Monday, November 26, 2007

Week 12: David Carr Is Our Omega Wolf

Nacho: David Carr is our Omega Wolf. he's the weakest of the pack and serves no other purpose than to drive me to drink. Maybe I'm being too harsh on him, maybe I should cut him some slack, but when I read shit like this, my anger burns anew.

David Carr should act more like Jesus:

Serioulsy, why can't David Carr die for my sins? I've certainly sinned enough in my lifetime to warrant a "balancing of the scales," so to speak. What must I do for some omnipotent being to strike him down, ceasing his life and with it, my turmoil? Is it too much to ask for? Possibly. But I stand by my claim that a world without David Carr starting for the Panthers, hell, a world without David Carr, would be a much, much better place. Sometimes, the king needs a good ol' fashion defenestration.

this is the 2nd picture we've use from Carr's
senior yearbook. Man, at one point, he had it all.

Why can't John Fox just admit he's got a problem? Why can't we call this season a loss, rehab Steve Smith and develop Jarrett and Matt Moore? At this point, I'm not sure you'd find a single carbon-based lifeform that would agree David Carr's anything more than a crutch for my burgeoning alcoholism. If you want to save my liver, John Fox, do the honorable thing, and strangle that bastard with his own earbud.

Brethren's patented thoughts, desde..

Brethren: Ah was travelin back from our lil place in Morganton, NC, to my new abode in New Yahrk City, so I wasn't privy to the visual defecation David Carr and the Panthers put on the good folk of Charlotte, but I could got the audio feed, for at least the first half, via Mick Mixon, Eugene Robinson, and Jim Szoke.

Side note: For some reason, Wikipedia does not recognize Jim Szoke as part of the radio broadcast team. Odd, because he's been on the radio crew for as long as I can remember. Doubly odd, because he's far and away the best at his job of the three.

- Listening to a game on the radio brings me back. Back to the days where we had home games I couldn't go to, but weren't sold out, and so weren't being shown on TV. Oh the good old days; I fear they're not far away.

- Like I said, as I drove north with Sisterin through Virginia we lost our signal, so I missed Foster's fumbles, our pathetic defense, and the (underwhelming) Matt Moore sighting.

- That means, I have not much to go off of except our defense played pretty well. Oh, and David Carr started 1 for 109 for 7 yards, missed Steve Smith on several passes, and pretty much played QB as poorly as anyone to put on a Panther uniform. So excuse us, Mike Rucker, if you're hurt by the Carr-bashing, but that's all I have as my reference, and nearly everyone out there in the mainstream and blogging media agrees with us.

- Fuck David Carr.

- Can we somehow draft Chris Long? He's dirty, he's nasty, he's the only reason UVA kept it close with Virginia Tech. Great season, by the way, Hoos. Expected to do nothing, we go 9-3, likely headed to the Peach Bowl. Now, since we have momentum and probably will have expectations, look for us to go 6-6 again. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

- Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving; I did. Lots of booze and Momma cooked meals.

Nacho: For the record, I pwned a Giants fan for saying Eli was worse than Carr.
The Jump

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Jesus Shuttlesworth Smites Bobcats

Nacho: After suffering through the righteous indignation of Magic fans on Friday, we Bobcat faitthful were given the opportunity to watch our team lose a heartbreaker to the best team in the league. Ray Allen came to town and showed us what kind of game he's got. In case you missed it, the video's below:

One thought, after....

Nacho cont'd: Here's my thing: I love it when the media makes a kneejerk reaction based on the past, and not the present. Kinda like how Kitnabot 3000 was making eyes roll with his prediction of 10+ wins. Well, sure, history dictates the Lions will always be insignificant as long as Barry Sanders stubbornly stays retired, but if you saw Calvin Johnson play once last year, you could tell he would be a game changer.

Oh and let us not forget how quick sports news outlets were to reach for straightjackets this offseason. Granted, the KG trade hadn't gone down, but Ray was on board, and, if you're cynical, you can imagine a situation where Ainge knew what was gonna go with KG in light of the Donaghy scandal.

Don't forget, David Stern took over the crown as The Great Distractor once Johnnie Cochrane shuffled off this mortal coil. The dress code, age limit, and new ball all took coverage away from football and baseball in masterful strokes. Last year, before christmas *the* story of the year was where AI was gonna go. Melo goes apeshit and the next thing we know, AI's Nuggin'.

Just saying, we should've all seen this coming.

Now lets all witness the first home victory in over a year!

(I'm secretly hoping for a Matt Moore Coming Out Party)

The Jump

Monday, November 19, 2007

Week 11: Draft Hanson!

Nacho: Since the Panthers decided not to play yesterday, today we'll turn our attention to the best football being played in North Carolina, at any level, cuz it sure as shit isn't in the NFL. Heck, the Duke Super Bowl was more entertaining than watching John Fox and the coaching staff screw the Panther faithful for another week.

It's not a secret that our Quarterback position has been in, shall we say, flux this past year. Wrought with turmoil and uncertainty, even Vinny Testaverde, yes the Vinny Testaverde, can't bring us a win. It's at times like this, when your backs against the wall, that you turn to the best you've got, the pinnacle of talent. You turn to one place, and one place only:


Do you enjoy winning and scoring lots of points? Cuz the Hawks fucking do. They amassed an undefeated record this season and absolutely embarassed Charlotte Christian for the 1A Independent Title on Friday. They've run roughshod over the entire state and these kids are hungry for more. I'd be willing to bet that the Charlotte Latin Hawks football team could beat 3 out of the 4 teams in the NFC South. (We'd pooch punt to the Panthers, then let them run it back on us for a win. Seems like something they'd be into.)

And whose leading this band of ruffians to the promiseland? None other than future X-Man, Braden Hanson. Hanson stands nine feet, two inches. He took Peyton Manning's laser-rocket arm, broke it in two, then shoved his own G11 arm up his ass and pulled the trigger til it Rachel Bilson fears Braden, but, yet, she is not afraid...

When passing, remember to
hit 'em in the numbers.

So, as we turn towards another NFC South match-up at home that we will invariably lose, take heed that in about five years the greatest QB to ever don a Panther uniform will be under center. He may even be passing to his old pal Brenton Bersin. (+5 points for alliteration!)

For the love of all that is holy, even our cross country team is better than the Panthers right now. I suspect it's because of the badass coaches.

One last note: man, I wish he'd been named Brandon. Brandon Hanson just sounds awesome. Is there a shortage of N's I don't know about? I'm very confused. Or drunk.

Brethren: My only patented bulleted thought:

- That pooch punt was disgustingly unoriginal. This regime has gotten so predictable that even when it tries to pull a "trick play" -- which is what the pooch punt is -- their opponent is ready for them and they return it for a touchdown. I turned to my buddy Steve at the bar and stated, "there's no way we're kicking this field goal; here comes the pooch punt." And there it went, and there the Pack went, touchdown, up 7-0, a lead they wouldn't let go of.

The thing that pisses me off so much is that even when this team tries to do something out of the ordinary, they do it so predictably and it backfires. In the past two weeks, two (unneccessary) gambles (the 4th and 1 in the Atlanta game, the pooch punt this week) have led to momentum-changing plays and all we seem to get out of the coaching staff is, "Well now you can't call us conservative, see!"

But they don't get it. Because the only reason I could have predicted the Panthers pooch-punting in that situation is because I watch all of their games. It doesn't take a genius to notice that everytime we have a 50+ yard field goal in the first half, we do the pooch punt. If I can notice that, and I don't get paid to do this shit, then certainly the scouts who do get paid will notice. And Green Bay's did; so they put a guy back there to return it...and he did...for a touchdown.

The thing is it's just sad. Despite Dan Henning's rep for being conservative, this team used to try big plays, momentum-changing plays. I can remember flea-flickers and long bombs to Steve Smith and Moose from the 2003 and 2005 teams. Maybe it was because Jake can throw a ball longer than 10 yards and no other QB on this team can. I don't know what it is exactly, but I can tell you this: the Panthers of '07, once Jake went down, have forgotten about trying the big play and it's sad.

But more importantly, maybe Panthers fans should forget those 2003 and 2005 squads. The coaching staff clearly has.
The Jump

Saturday, November 17, 2007

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

Nacho: Despite what looks to be weather that would not necesarily agree with Sisterin, she ain't the only Panther Fan in the Big House.

Sometimes, Google Image Search acts like Santa. Proof, after...

Blogger's having some trouble uploading images, so just click HERE for the hilarity.

The Jump

Friday, November 16, 2007

Sisterin Goes West: This Saturday Can't End Well...

Brethren and Nacho are the younger brothers of a dear soul, Sisterin. She is headed West this weekend to attend her first Big Ten football game. She grew up not really paying attention to football, but her cheerleading and college days made her a true fan. She's at heart a UVA fan: she has to look good going to the games and she only drinks a fine Pinot Grigio or Pinot Noir at tailgates. Come noon at the Michigan-Ohio State game, she's in for a bit of a surprise, we thinks. She's going to Ann Arbor with a Michigan grad, a young feller named Mike. Their words make up this column

…and how could it? Take the classic campus game day shirts as an indicative example. You know the ones, where you flip the first letters around and it reads "PUCK Fenn State" instead of "FUCK Penn State." Surely ideated by a frat boy somewhere, who after his 17th Beast Ice, thought to himself, "what a great idea – I can express my fervent hatred for my opponents without blatantly offending small children and families. I am such a clever and responsible member of society." Regardless of origin, when you apply the theory to Ohio State, you end up with "BUCK the FUCKeyes" which essentially negates any semblance of decency it was meant to create. The point is, you cannot clean this one up – Michigan vs. Ohio State is dirty, it is nasty, and it is not so much about football as it is about pure, unadulterated animosity.

Since it's difficult to appreciate the rivalry if you haven't lived it, allow me to set the stage for Saturday:

The stage is set, after

Mike (to Sisterin, us all) -- (cont'd): First, I am not going to argue that Michigan vs. Ohio State is one of the year's premier college football match-ups. Those glory days are on hold, and I am all too aware of the perception of the Big Ten outside of the Rust Belt. I hear things like "mediocrity" and "I still contend it's a shitty conference." The latter sentiment may or may not have been conveyed by Brethren in a rather sassy late night voicemail to his darling sister (whom we tie into this story shortly) (Brethren: Damn right I did. Fuck yea.) For now, just know that I'm no sports pundit, and I am not going to fight the "my conference has bigger cajones than your conference" fight. I will, however, spin you the tale of two inevitable cultural train wrecks:

Train Wreck Numero Uno – Michigan Fans and Ohio State Fans: A buddy once told me, "Ohio State fans are worse than an STD. I mean, not that I've had one, but, uh, you know what I mean." Indeed we do, good sir, for we have all seen the horrifying videos from health class (assuming you went to public grade school) (Brethren: We didn't -- all three of us). Any true Wolverine agrees with this sentiment, and the sad fact is that the Buckeyes can't help it – they're from THE WORST STATE IN THE ENTIRE UNION.

Now, I've never been to the badlands in North Dakota, but I have been to Death Valley, and it's a far sight better than anything in Ohio. I scheme ways to avoid driving through it, having gone to the extremes of cutting through southern Canada on eastward bound ventures. God forbid if I ever have to actually stay in Ohio for anything. Even their "Great" Lake is awful. Cleveland only squeezed by the Yankees when the filthy beast of a lake vomited up a scourge of gnats. Erie can't hold a candle to Lake Michigan, Superior, or Huron.

The impact of living in such an environment inevitably takes its toll, as one can see in the crass behavior of a Buckeye. This is best highlighted by the warnings UMich puts out to students prior to football games hosted in Columbus – don't drive down there if you have Michigan plates. Your tires get slashed. Or your windows broken. A good road trip to Columbus is one where you leave with only a healthy dousing of piss on the door handle.

Of course, Michigan fans' smug superiority – of character, of intellect, of football prowess – only exacerbates the situation. We're pretty sure every university in the nation is a "safety school" when it's compared to us. (Brethren: HAHAHA...wait, what? really? Michigan people really think this? In no way is that true! hahahaha.) There's the old joke - how many Wolverines does it take to screw in a light bulb? The answer is 10 - one to screw it in, and nine to brag about how they did it better than Harvard. I might be ashamed of such arrogance, but it ain't bragging if it's true.

No grudging respect. No sportsmanship. Not in this rivalry.

Train Wreck Numero Dos – Well Mannered Southern Gal Encounters Her First Midwestern Shit Show: Hard to imagine even greater potential for disaster, but we have found it. First, take an impeccably mannered southern girl (Sisterin), who knows damn well what she likes - champagne, heels, pedicures, Ritz Carltons, etc. Not making the list - sneakers, hoodies, lake effect snow, keg beer, or any beer for that matter. Now add in a UVA education and an expectation of a southern-style tailgate: linens, tents, ties, pearls, vases and centerpieces, and ull-out food spreads (I have never seen such travesties in person, but I hear rumor that tailgate life is actually like this in places).(Brethren: Don't worry; we don't usually hire help at these tailgates, so your presence isn't required.)

Now imagine dropping her into the maw of Midwestern game day madness where, to put it most simply, things get retarded, they get retarded early, and they stay retarded. As host, it would be irresponsible of me to allow this fine young lady to arrive unprepared. Therefore, I offer the following crib sheet for tailgating in Ann Arbor on game day:

1) No parking lots, no fields: Tailgates happen at houses, stretching down the State Street corridor from South University to Hoover. Sure, they open up the golf course for parking, and people barbeque there, but it's for "old people" only.

2) Start early: Liquor stores open at 8am. The wise and seasoned vets already bought their breakfast pint of Jack Daniels after a dead sprint to the store at 1:59am the night prior. But if you forgot, you have three establishments to choose from – all side by side by side at the intersection of State and Packard. I recommend Campus Corner. Ask for Joe. Their kegs of Natty Light always have a crisper taste. And no, none of this gives you a pass for "taking it easy" the Friday night prior.

3) Bring $2: You won't find any food at these tailgates. However, $2 will buy you a delicious BTB Classic Burrito at Big Ten Burrito, conveniently located next to Campus Corner. Beans, rice, cheese, and salsa, it's the poor man's tasty staple. If you don't want to travel a block away, just scoot across the street to the hot dog vendor. Expect a free dog in exchange for a solo cup full of Natty.

4) Get Creative, Part One -- Drink Combinations: Many an infamous concoction has been birthed on the muddy lawns of State Street, none more widely admired than the MoMo (Mohawk vodka and Monster energy drink). Others include Blue Blue (UV Blue Vodka and blue Gatorade), MoCho (Mohawk 100 proof peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup), and the Death Star (Five Star whiskey and RockStar energy drink -- hastily abandoned after a disastrous first showing, which we dare not retell on these pages). It should be noted that these beverages are not in fact mixed in the traditional sense, which would include cups. No, they are all consumed in "sessions" -- which involves standing around in a circle while the liquor, then chaser, are passed from person to person for straight pulls. Some academics have tied these "sessions" to the tribal need for community and human connection. Others propose that it's just a bunch of idiots begging for mono and a splitting headache. But I will leave that debate up to you.

5) Get Creative, Part Two - Drinking Activities: Sure, there are the usual staples such as beer pong, beirut, beer pongs, and corn hole. But have you ever experienced keg rolling (imagine log rolling -- with kegs. in an intersection. among moving traffic)? The Gargoyle (imagine a rail thin 6'11" individual perched on top of a keg while suckling straight from the tap)? Street Dancing? Cross-Avenue Keg Laps? I suspect not. Brace yourself.

6) Stay Engaged: One word - Sparks.

That's enough for now.

I'll be back to report on exactly how far this downward spiral took I said before, this cannot possibly end well.
The Jump

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Can't Nobody Haka Like Ginga'breds

Nacho: South Africa can make its own version. The University of Hawai'i can give it a shot.

But lets all agree, no one--but no one!!!--can Haka like Ginga'bred Men:

The original Haka mastas, after...

I present the All Blacks:

The Jump

Monday, November 12, 2007

Week 10: Embarrassment

Nacho: If you're like me, you only get your news from one source. Yep, The Canadian Press. Which is why, when the Canadians mock us, it hurts doubly so.

I was going to say I place the blame for this season on the Defender of Fresh Biscuits, but our effing Coach is already doing that. Well....that's incredibly frustrating. Here I am writing up a hypothetical, and Foxy just goes and admits it. This is in no way maddening.

The argument of "Hey, I was trying to when a quarterback older than an Ent," is pretty weak, but it's one that everyone (except Steve Smith) seems to have bought into.

Aside from Smith's legitimate tantrums I see no heart in this team. If Peppers's personality doesn't jive with being an emotional leader, so be it. But, someone's gotta step up. At this point, I feel like our only hope is for Matt Moore to go Steamin' Willie Beamon on the league, which is looking less and less likely every week.

One last note: It's nice to see Dwayne Jarrett out there every once in a while, Foxy. We drafted him and we're using him about one-tenth as much as Beaston. Lets get some return on our investment, whattasay?

Patented, bulleted thoughts from Brethren, afer

Brethren: Yesterday's loss has put us Sports Brethren in a sour, rather apathetic mood. An embarrassing game all around; my patented bulleted thoughts:

- The I-85 rivalry game is pretty mind-numbingly bad these days. I didn't even get mad at MJD in the Smorgasboard when he called it a "classic shit vs. shit" game. It is what it is.

- Steve Smith, my plea to not ask to be traded continues. I know this might be a dire situation at 4-5, but with David Carr hurt and Vinny T hobblin' around, maybe someone (named Matt Moore) who can throw downfield will try to get you involved soon.

- Oh, and Steve, you might want to watch your back: that witty ole Tom Sorensen sure knows how to throw down and call you out. Sorensen, throw down.

- It will be over a full calendar year before the Cats win again at home. Awesome. Way to show the paying customers you care.

- The thing that angers me most about the otherwise not terrible defense on this 4-5 team: the outrageous excessive celebration. This D (mainly looking at you, Ken Lucas) cannot make one solid good play on defense without acting like complete jackasses. Memo: you're not good enough to celebrate like that. You aren't.

- You know what? We suck, but that don't mean I'm not excited about drankin beers with Nacho in Section 539 come December for the Dallas game. We like to keep it classy up there.

The Jump

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Soccer Is Ruining Basketball

Nacho: There's been an undercurrent in the NBA for a few seasons now. It becomes more apparent as people like Steve Nash and Manu Ginobili become household names. Namely, it's the scourge of the soccer player. Say what you will about the inherent flopping that comes with allowing soccer players into your sport, but that's the least of our troubles. I'm talking about the future of the sport, here. We simply cannot keep allowing people who enjoy soccer to continue, unabated, to exist amongst other, real athletes.

This sounds terribly negative towards a sport I don't even play, but I tend to take offense when shit like this happens:

Do you think for one second if Nash had done that to Zeke on the 89-90 Pistons that he would've lived to see another day? 10-to-1 odds Lambeer would've made sure he never danced again. Hell, he'd probably consider it "just practice" too. Dick.

Daggumit, soccer players get my dander up more than anyone. If Brethren's got any thoughts on this situation, they'll be after...

UPDATE: Brethren's seeing the play The Color Purple tonight and will be in far too serious a mode to discuss the relative merits or demerits of soccer's role in the future of basketball. Thank you for your time.

Brethren: (Friday morning, circa 10 AM EST) AH! ARRGH! FUCK! My close friends know I hate the fairy folks. But seriously, FUCK STEVE NASH. That was a downright rotten dirty play and I too blame soccer. Fuck that sport and all the douchebags that play it.

Of course, Stern will ignore this because hey, it's only the Bobcats, and because his white all-star/MVP is involved. Look, Steve, just because you got an dirty, unfair play against you in that Spurs series doesn't mean you can just do this shit. FUCK.

Listen up ya'll: I have a damning Steve Nash story we've been sitting on. Rest assured, once we follow up with our source and confirm, we'll be getting that shit out on the Interwebs.

I knew I hated Canucks.
The Jump

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Scenes From A Drastic Situation: The Abyss

Nacho: It's been a rough season for the Cats. No position has experienced more turmoil than that of the quarterback. For my money, if Delhomme can't go, I want and trust but one man under center: Vinny Testaverde. David Carr's a piece of shit with great hair, and I'm exponentially happier receiving this news than that of another Carr start.

This got me thinking about what kind of pop culture reference I could make that would be appropriate for this situation. After witnessing the "performance" of the Panthers in last week's game against the Titans, I decided to go with one of my favorite sequences in film history: the resuscitation scene in The Abyss. because, really, at this point it kinda feels like we're drowning ourselves, giving up hope, and we need Bud Brigman's tenacity to get us through it.

Enjoy, after...


As the water creeps higher and higher towards the ceiling Bud Brigman (played by Vinny Testaverde) fights to come up with a way to save both himself and Lindsey (as played by the Carolina Panthers). He makes a decision & starts pulling off his backpack, when the Panthers stop him.

PANTHERS: Listen... will you listen to me for a second!? You're for the suit on and you're a better quarterback than me. Right? So I got a plan...

VINNY: What's the plan?

PANTHERS: I drown, you tow me back to the locker room--


PANTHERS: Look, this water is only a couple degrees above freezing. I drown. I go into deep blood like icewater. I can maybe be revived after two, three weeks. You got all the stuff to do it in the clubhouse...

Vinny stares into the Panthers eyes as the life fades out. He grabs them, and pulls them behind him, up into the clubhouse....

Steve & Keary leap into the freezing water, waist deep on the submerged diving platform. Vinny bursts to the surface. Together they haul the Panthers across the platform, out of the water, and onto the deck. Their skin is blue-white, their chest still.

After repeatedly trying to shock the Panthers heart back to life with a defibrillator, John Fox puts his hand on Vinny's shoulder.

JOHN FOX: (gently) Vinny, it's over, man. It's over.

There is a beat of silence. Vinny stares down into the Panthers' half-open, motionless eyes. They are the eyes of an apathetic, David-Carr-watching fanbase.

TIGHT ON VINNY, rigid, staring. John Fox puts his hand gently on Vinny's shoulder. Suddenly Vinny tears Fox's hand away and sets upon the Panthers like a madman, renewing his efforts in spades... totally manic.

VINNY: No! NO! They're not... their heart is strong, they want to live...can't you see that? Come on, Cats. Come on, baby! Zap 'em again! Do it... DO IT!

They do. And Vinny works, feverishly. He lock his lips over hers and starts mouth-to-mouth. It is frantic, passionate... the kiss of life.

VINNY: Come on, breath! Goddamn it, you bitch, you never backed down from anything in life... now fight!

He slaps their face, hard. Their head lolls. He smacks them the other way.

VINNY: Fight, Goddamnit! FIGHT!!

TIGHT ON THE PANTHERS, still. Then something incredible happens. Something they will never forget as long as they live. The Panthers cough once, weakly, and their hands clench in a spasm.

Vinny sees it and his expression becomes beatific.

VINNY Come on, Cats. You can do it... fight your way back, baby...

The Panthers go on to win out the rest of the regular season, storm through the playoff, win the Super Bowl, and stop a gigantic wave from decimating the human race. The End.

Be advised, the below video is the last ten minutes, in their entirety, of the director's cut, which, in my humble opinion, is the only version of
The Abyss that ever needs to be seen by anyone. Ever.

The Jump

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The MLB Equivalent Game

Brethren: So while I do love my Major League Baseball, Nacho only really follows from afar. That, coupled with our Charlotte, NC, upbringing that didn't lend us a team we could both root for, pretty much remains the reason our blog rarely touches on MLB.

But it's not that we don't appreciate the good sport. In fact, we enjoy discussing it from time to time and now that the season's over, we feel it's an appropriate time for the Sports Brethren to weigh in. However, we are the first to admit that there are certainly people out there who know more than we do. So while we can easily knock out a draft using only Bobcats and Hornets players, knowing enough pro baseball players to make a game out of knowledge probably wouldn't cut it.

Luckily for us, I have friends who know baseball. So we invited my buddies, Duece and Gideon, to put their MLB knowledge to the test in a little game we're calling the "MLB Equivalent Game." Basically, we gave them a list of famous people, friends of the blog, and public figures, and asked them to give us those people's equivalent professional baseball player. Then, since Nacho needs to get involved here and loves to judge...well, really, anything, we're gonna let him decide who he thinks made the better pick after each selection.

Duece, stage right, versus Gideon, stage left

True to their personalities, Duece, in his argumentative and loquacious ways, provides paragraphs of material on every nuance of his decisions (I've edited some of it), and Gid, in his one-liner ways, gives the reader a short dash of reasoning. One final note: neither of the dudes knew about the other one's picks when choosing.

Tell us in the comments section who YOU think has the better MLB knowledge -- and any other connections you can think of.

The MLB Equivalent game, thru

Brethren (cont'd): Let the games begin.

First up, me, Brethren

Duece: There were many ways to start off here. Omar Vizquel was an option as an one of the best shortstops of all time who constantly annoys both with his play since he hits less then Mendoza as in the "Mendoza Line" and his unwanted opinion in many cases. David Eckstein seems to fit; scrappy, 5'9", the whole ugly-as-all-hell-in-execution-yet-gets-the-job-done-everytime mentality fits. However, he's quiet and humble. Clearly out of the question. I went with Craig Counsell here for a couple of reasons. He has quite possibly the most awkward yet "I can't look away" batting stance/posture next to only Fernando Tatis. He has the physique of a 14 year old anorexic turbo slut. But get this stat, he was on base for two gaming winning bottom of the ninth game 7 World Series victories. Not quite sure how that fits but you get the idea.

Gideon: David Eckstein - small, scrappy, scrawny...2ez (Gid: Duece, is Craig Counsell that outspoken? Doesn't make sense...)

Nacho: I'm going with Duece for two solid reasons: A) I'm a fan of alliteration, and 2) when I went to search for David Eckstein's picture of him guzzling tequila, I typed in Dennis Eckstein and got this. So +10 for Duece and -200 for Gideon. Not off to a good a start, Gid.

2nd up: Nacho

Duece: Kevin Millar - Wasn't really sure how to address this one. The size is about right. But what I focused on here was Millaaaaa's knack to talk....and never stop. What is he talking about? We never really know. Does it have relevance? Absolutely not.

Gideon: I have no idea what Smokey looks like, who he is, or where his random nicknames (Smokey, Nacho Friendly) come from. Travis Hafner's random nickname Pronk seems fitting to me (though based on the Cloud genes, can't imagine the physical features of the two are very similar).

Nacho: This one was much closer. I'll award +20 to Duece for his astute observations on my writing, and award Gideon +75 for reminding me to buy Kronk's New Groove. Man, I love me some Kronk.

Squeakity...squeakity squeak?

Duece: +30 Gideon: -125

3rd up: Mark Hamill

Duece: Kerry Wood - A franchise trilogy to start off a career. No not Star Wars. 4th Overall selection in the 1995 Draft. 20 K's, 0 walks, 1 hit, complete game shutout. 1998 Rookie of the Year (despite missing a full month). After that we got absolutely nothing from him but hope, and "wait until next year", and potential. Consider this: lists Mark Hamill as having 190 acting appearances. EXCUSE ME? Interesting Parallel: Kerry Wood has compiled 72 career victories and is in the top 200 all-time in K's. How/when did this actually happen. In addition, Hamill and Wood have now become pop-culture figures who try to reinvent themselves but in the end really just spoof themselves over and over again. Hamill on Family Guy as himself a recent part of this and Wood thinking he can be a closer because other people did it but just hurting himself...again. Insanely parallel careers right here.

Gideon: Tom Glavine. I see the Schilling thing, but also see a Tom Glavine resemblance.

Nacho: Well done both of you. Duece makes a damn fine point, but I'm a sucker for photo comparisons. +50 both of you.

Duece: +80 Gideon: -75

4th up: Stephen Hawking

Duece: J.D. Drew - To me this is pretty easy. While different in their execution, they are essentially the same person. Stephen Hawking is the world's smartest man...who can't walk, talk, or breath. J.D. Drew is the most physically gifted baseball player of all-time (next to Bo Jackson)...who can't run, catch, or hit. You tell me that this doesn't make sense.

Gideon: Jim Abbott - physically impaired - still a beast in his on the mound/with the mind.

Nacho: 1990s references will get you everywhere with me, boys. Since we're in America, I have to reward more points to the cripple so we can all feel better about ourselves. +25 Duece, +75 Gideon.

Duece: +105 Gideon: 0

5th up: Barack Obama

Duece: Obama had so much promise, pizazz, charisma, clout, seeming athleticism. 5 tools right there. Sounds like Curtis Granderson. First man to hit for 20 doubles, homers, triples, and steals in a season joining Frank Wildfire Schulte and Willie Mays as the only men to accomplish this feat (Jimmy Rollins joined the group days later). Buuuuuuut, really a more accurate career parallel might be to a shockingly honest and talented and exuberant young player who showed his emotions like a 14 year old anorexic turbo slut. Someone who burst onto the scene too early and was hurt by an overbearing workload that eventually broke him down. Who you may ask? None other than Jaret Wright.

Gideon: A-Rod. Clearly a young phenom, but has no chance of taking the next step. A-Rod can't do it in the playoffs, Obama cant do it in the presidential election. Plus, controversy over whether A-Rod was Dominican enough for the world baseball classic, whether he was American enough to play for the US...

Nacho: Facts and figures are nice, but words get boring without a peppering of expletives, so while Duece's may be right, there were too many words and he had to use the phrase "turbo slut" twice within five examples. +5 Duece, +20 Gideon.

Duece: +110 Gideon: +20

6th up: Trey Garza

Duece: This was a tough one, but I'm going with the ever apathetic, always prone for a meltdown, yet somehow miraculously gets the job done...every time: Joe Borowski. I think that sums it up in one sentence.

Gideon: Carlos Zambrano - husky bodies; sorta look alike - guaranteed to flip out once every few days.

Nacho: I only know who Carlos Zambrano is, but I just the feeling like I wanna get drunk with someone named Joe Borowski. +25 Duece, +10 Gideon.

Duece +150 Gideon: +30

7th up: Mike Myers

Duece: I could have gone with emotion-sink robotic sentinels Randy Johnson, Josh Beckett, or Mariano Rivera. But I'm going to go with Julio Franco here. Timeless. Ageless. Comeback after comeback after comeback. Seriously you can't kill this guy. He's 47. And that's what he says. So he's really 60? Come on.

Gideon: Todd Helton - uncanny resemblance.

Ed note: Suppose we should have been clearer in which "Mike Myers" we were referring to. Whoops. I liked each answer enough to keep it in here.

Nacho: I'm with the Editor, I like the confusion. Both are accurate comparisons for their respective folks, and I'll always a Julio Franco fan. +10 Duece, +50 Gideon.

Duece: +160 Gideon: +80

8th up: Jack Bauer

Duece: This is another place where I had a tough choice. I hate Jack Bauer. I hate 24. It is probably by far the most over-hyped, over-budgeted, overly-dramatic, overly-incomprehensible television show of all-time. Of all-time. I wanted to go with Armando Benitez, but he just isn't popular enough for this one. Even though I do hate him. I also thought of Borowski as well but he's underpaid and nobody outside of baseball has any idea who he is. So I'm going with somebody I really hate. Somebody who was an absolute mess of an "athlete". Somebody who always was in the public eye. Somebody who transcended baseball (at least in New York). Jack Bauer meet John Franco. A player who was loved by a city, was the #1 fan of the FDNY, was second on the all-time saves list (before Hoffman and Rivera blew past him), was over-paid, over-valued, over-rated, and just flat out old.

Gideon: Barry Zito - Very well known, huge following, but I am not sure how good either are? Is it really that hard to shoot a few terrorists and run around a whole lot? Is it really that hard to have a 4.53 ERA in the cavernous AT&T Park? At his salary? Neither really impress me.

Nacho: I'm really glad to hear both you dislike this show. The first season of 24 is damn near flawless, but there hasn't been a decent, hell, a mediocre plot, episode or character since George Mason went down with the nuke in Season 2. However, I like the Zito reference because the following of his disgrace is an all-baseball thing, not just a New York thig. +5 Duece, +50 Gideon

Duece: +165 Gideon: +130

9th up: Morgan Freeman

Duece: Another timeless and ageless figure. Except here we have one that is loved and revered by all. Can never do any wrong. Is more often than not the same character. Is slow and deliberate but is incredibly consistent. One of the greatest actors of our generation. Look no further than Tony Gwynn.

Gideon: Kenny Lofton. Long, distinguished career. Always making strong movies/playing for playoffs teams. Plus, if you turn back Morgan Freeman's clock about 30 years, they sorta look alike.

Nacho: I'm sorry, i can't in good conscious reward someone who think Lofton and Freeman look alike. Have you seen Gwynn and Morgan's bodies? Those look alike. +35 Duece, +10 Gideon.

Duece: +200 Gideon: +140

10th on the list: Lindsay Lohan

Duece: Started off as a child sensation. Soon got herself into the fast-paced world of fame and nose-candy. How could we be talking about anybody but Darryl Strawberry. Multiple trips to rehab. Multiple "clean" comebacks. Multiple downfalls. Does Strawberry's eventual house arrest and fall into nothingness foreshadow Lindsey's same descent? I'd like to think so. Stay tuned.

Gideon: Gary Sheffield (of the last few years) - always in the news; not really producing anything of any value. High controversy to production ratio - never good.

Nacho: Both strong entries, but Duece hits the nail on the head a little harder. +30 Duece, +20 Gideon.

Duece: +230 Gideon: +160

11th on the list: Bill Simmons

Duece: Outspoken; always has something to say; overly confident; thinks everything revolves around him and anything he is involved with. I initially went with the Red Sox angle and chose Curt Schilling. Irritating know-it-alls who actually know a lot and have personality and humor, even though you want to hate them both for being carpet baggers and just down right annoying. But Schilling was always good and started off as a top prospect. Simmons was an upstart blogger/superfan. So here's where I ended up: Kurt Warner. (Ed. Note: Rule breaker!) Yeah I know he's in the NFL. But think about it. He came out of absolutely nowhere (ok Arena Football) to lead the best offense in the history of football to a Super Bowl title and much success until getting pushed out. While he is a little more humble and seemingly likable than Simmons here are the issues: he has an undying religious faith that everything happened as God's will, his wife looks like the chick from Bravo's Work Out (i.e. not a chick), he has no reason to really be good at what he does, he now feels entitled to everything he has (including when he thought he should be starting for an awful Giants team over the future: Eli Manning). Seems pretty remarkably similar.

Gideon: Before I get into my response - have you ever heard his voice? The Most annoying, squeaky high-pitched voice of all time. I would have loved him to do some radio, but no one would be able to listen for more than 30 seconds....
Willie Mays - no joke. Willie revolutionized baseball with his combo of speed and power and finesse. Bill revolutionized sports writing with his completely biased, comedic writing that merges sports, life, and pop culture that has generated an unbelievable following and huge number of mimickers (read: Sports Brethren).

Nacho: I'm going with Gideon on this one, big time. His comparison to Willie is both legal, and better. You can't compare Simmons to Warner because Simmons hasn't (much like, say, A-Rod) won the big game, and probably never will. A-Rod's going to begin the downslope of his career; his best shot at winning a title was in New York, and since he couldn't get it done, he's going to spend the next decade plowing through every muscular surfer chude (chick-dude) from San Diego to Santa Barbara. Simmons definitely helped re-define the sports media landscape but joining ESPN was his Yankees tenure. During A-Rod's time at the Yankees teams like the White Sox and the Red Sox won championships; while Simmons was taking photos of thighs, Deadspin and Juiced Sports have exceeded his quality. Boom: -15 Duece, +75 Gideon.

Duece: +215 Gideon: +235

12th on the list: Pearl Jam

Duece: This is an interesting one. I was looking for a smash-mouth, likable, everyman with a long career. I immediately thought of centerfielders who slam into walls and hit homers. None of these people have had long careers or are too young to compare so far. Guys like Grady Sizemore and Torrii Hunter came to mind. Jimmy Edmonds is a possibility, but his offensive viability has fallen off faster than Peter Webb's dick after fucking No Regrets. So I'm going with Kirby Puckett. I hope this doesn't mean that there will be a catastrophic end to an incredibly influential Hall of Fame type career. Seriously it's hard to not like Pearl Jam. Interesting parallel: to really appreciate their greatness, you need to see both in person. Both are welded into my subconscious.

Gideon: Kenny Rogers - Never fully appreciated by the populas - never A-list superstars, but great body of work over a long career, grungy/grimey at times.

Nacho: Well put, Duece, well put. You get it man. Gideon, enjoy your Third Eye Blind records. +50 Duece, +10 Gideon.

Duece: +265 Gideon: +245

13th on the list: Oprah Winfrey

Duece: Simple. Great success in building an empire. Constant weight battles threatened that greatness. Primed for a huge downfall, despite the fact that she will continue to earn billions of dollars while literally not doing a thing. Mo Vaughn. Apologies to Cecil Fielder and Mike Sweetney.

Gideon: Barry Bonds - self-loving annoyances; not sure anyone likes either of them; both have ballooned in size as their careers went on, always in the news.

Nacho: I would have accepted Cecil Fielder just as well, but Vaughn's a great comparison. Bonds is equally as good a comparison, but he's got a voice higher than Simmons's. +30 Duece, +15 Gideon.

Duece: +290 Gideon: +260

14th on the list: Eyal Einik (stage left)

Duece: Zany, wacky, beat-to-my-own-drummer, walk-at-a-different-speed, unexplainable, foreign guy. Manny Ramirez. Obviously.

Gideon: Kevin Millar - A real clubhouse guy - not super talented, can't be relied on, but kept around for the jokes.

Nacho: I gotta give this one to Gideon because everybody knows Manny can't round the bases without taking off his helmet. This is clearly not a problem with Eyal. 0 to Duece, +20 for Gids.

Duece: 295 Gideon: +280

15th on the list: Katie Couric

Duece: This one stings a little. Somebody you love to hate and hate to love at the same time. She built herself with a different style into the host of NBC's Today show. Sought to be taken more seriously and gain political viability only to fail miserably. I can only choose a specific Yankee on this one: Johnny Damon. I hated his guts as a Red Sock but somehow I found myself liking him. He just had that thing. Then he got signed to a ridiculously asinine contract that even the Red Sox shied away from in order to cut his hair and be apart of a bigger social scene....only to fail miserably and pretty much become a bad DH.

Gideon: Johnny Damon - Not exactly sure why, but came to mind - also provides great chance to work in my favorite Johnny Damon joke: Johnny Damon - Looks like jesus, acts like judas, throws like mary - love it.

Ed. note: They both chose the same guy -- I think that makes it official. Katie Couric, you're the Johnny Damon of news television!

Nacho: Full disclosure: I in no, way, shape or form meant for this to happen but.....

Considering both gave the same answer, I had to go with SoA numbers (Strength of Answer): Duece +25.......Gideon.....+40 (fantastic joke, buddy.)

Final Score: Duece: +320 Gideon: +320


Duece: Stanley Kubrick and Wilt Chamberlain. Both completely dominated their field. But did so in a way that was way over everyone's head and incredibly ahead of their time. Both also died in 1999.

Gideon: Jon Basedow and Bronson Arroyo -

"He's John Basedow.
He's gonna show you how
To reach your potential
And turn your whole life around
Fitness made simple!"

I knew something bothered me bout Arroyo in his Red Sox days, and now I finally get to the bottom of it!

Nacho: Oh Duece, dear sweet Duece. You had it all, the world was your oyster. You knock it out of the park with a stellar movies/sports comparison but you neglected to recall this is for the MLB. So, while I admire the apt simile, tie goes to the runner: Gideon You are the winner of the First Annual MLB Equivalent Game. Congratulations, thank you all for being here, and enjoy your evening!.

Ed. Note: Jeebus that was long. Whew. I enjoyed every second of it though. Now go back to work.
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Sunday, November 4, 2007

Week 9: Somewhere, Chris Weinke Vengefully Laughs to Himself

Nacho: My anger burns so brightly and is so deep-seeded I can't possibly come up with a clever simile. It's like watching George W Bush coach your team. Fox, you're losing your team, you're losing your fans, and you've lost a great deal of respect from everyone around you. You know why everyone hates America? Because we can't admit we ever make mistakes, like GOB Bluth.

John Fox is Ike. Panther fans are Tina. And we're about to slap back.

Oh hey look! The Bobcats are one of the best teams in pro basketball! They're combined margin of victory: 4

My Adam Morrison bobblehead is losing it's irony.

Special hat tip to Purple Jesus. Well played sir.

Take it away, Brethren, after....

Brethren: I'm here to provide a little reason to the outbursts of Nacho. Yes, we still run draws on 3rd and 13 and 3rd and 17. And yes, John Fox loves to play the field position game (even when the offense can't ever capitalize on good field position). One would think that this would change when your team is losing by as much as the Panthers were today.

BUT, gawddamn, David Carr is horrific. He blows more cock than David Spade. He fists his own ass more than Dane Cook. He is a not good football player. He hangs on to the ball too long; when he scrambles, he heads straight backwards; and he never throws the ball to friggin Steve Smith.

And, honestly, that's the man I'm most sorry for. Steve Smith, please don't demand a trade this week. Hopefully the Hobblin' Jesus will be back next week. Maybe Matt Moore will murder David Carr and take his job. Maybe Fox will realize David Carr smokes more pole than Tom Cruise. Steve, it has to get better. I love you.

One final note: while I appreciate the turnovers the defense produced, the fucking penalties kill me. Stupid mental mistakes should not be part of a John Fox football team, and today was embarrassing in that department. Sweet personal fouls, Peppers and Jon Beason. Way to help the team.

We're stuck at 4-4. We can't win at home. We scored 0 points off of 4 turnovers. We look shitty. Jake, I miss you. Smitty, stay strong. The rest of us, does anyone know a good hitman to take out the Hair? Please?

Non-Panthers thoughts:
- I met a dude at the bar who had run the NYC Marathon today in 3:36. He was a fucking champ, drinking beers, getting waited on by his smoking hot girlfriend, and hung out at our table all day. My man-crush was amazing: dude didn't train at all for the marathon, just stopped pounding beers a few days ago, woke up today and ran it. He was openly mocking the runners who were puking because "they must be retarded" because obviously running a marathon "is all mental." When his smoking hot girlfriend wasn't around, he was checking out other girls; he was complete alpha male and quite frankly, he rocked. Definitely made me hate the NYC Marathon less, even though it caused my trip to the bar take an hour and a half today.

- Virginia football: we're not good, but we win football games.

- Fuck Tom Brady.

- Sweet Jesus, Purple Jesus. We bow before you.
The Jump

Friday, November 2, 2007

Buttin' The Dam

Nacho: The last time the NBA played a game, I watched Stone Buddah and the Spurs demolish the Global Icons from a quaint, paradisal place called Jaco, Costa Rica. Those were heady days; when the children Partied Like Rock Stars and George Clooney's band of rapscallions delighted audiences the world over in "Ocean's 13".

Ah, but those days are long gone.

Today's basketball landscape is filled with limitless possibilities. In an age when even the Celtics look like even they might win a game or two, the sky's the limit. All it takes is a little ram-like determination and the NBA world is your oyster.

Lets all climb on Walter Herrmann's back and help move the rubber tree plant that is the NBA, after...

Nacho cont'd: I don't think it's too hyperbolic to say that Bobcats rival Boston in their off-season awesomeness. At least we didn't need a blockbuster trade to deflect attention away from some bad press. See, that's Stern's always been masterful at: deflecting attention. Baseball and football hogging all the press? DRESS CODE/NEW BALL! Fistfight at Madison Square Garden? AI FINALLY GETS TRADED! Ref fixing games? GARNETT TO A FORMERLY HAPLESS FRANCHISE! Stern's good at that kind of thing.

But I'm excited. We've got J Rich and Wallace for a lil while, Jared Dudley's gonna have a bigger impact than most first rounders, and most importantly we've got a man who can dunk a ball while it's on fire:

Walter Herrmann's like a real-life
Arch Rivals player with a hot hand

Brethren: Don't have a lot of time to add much before I head out to a bar to meet a fellow Charlotte sports scene fan to watch the Bobcats-Bucks home opener, but I have a few thoughts:

- Yes, we had to call several bars before finding a place with the NBA League pass and enough TVs to actually put the Bobcats on. It's cool; we're determined like that.

- Nacho and I have an inside man who works for the Bobcats, and we should be getting reports from him every so often this season. We can be like Simmons and "call our friend who knows things from the inside." It'll be cool.

- Now that some power has shifted to the East, people are doubting the Bobcats' chances at making the playoffs. They doubt the frontline. They doubt the ability to overcome injuries. Well, fuck them, is what I say. We have the power of the Hermann and GForce -- they shall take us far.
The Jump

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Get Me Ookie

Nacho: Well, it looks like the Hobbling Jesus is gonna sit this one out and we're sending in the Hair against the Titans on Sunday. This reminded me of an oddity on Yahoo's waiver wire. It seems that Michael Vick is ranking better than the Hair, and quite a few other QBs as well:

Seriously? Someone get David Carr a bucket of kittens.? How dare Yahoo disgrace the Sex Cannon like so? Something tells me Vick's gonna be a on bye week for a while longer.

Brethren's thoughts on this weekend's game, after...

Brethren: It's Week 9 of the NFL season, and you would think my liver knows what's coming come Sunday, as the Panthers try to stay perfect on the road against the Titans. I can kinda feel it quiver and twinge a little every now and again during the week in fear/anticipation of an NFL Sunday. But I mean, really, those pitchers aren't drinking themselves. To the games:

- The Hair will have to answer a lot of questions this weekend, such as: Do you know who Steve Smith is? (Doubtful) Can you look more like a girl? (Doubtful) Can you win as a Panthers QB looking like a girl and only throwing to Jeff King? (Again, doubtful)

- As you can see, the Carolina faithful do not have much faith in The Hair. Please prove us wrong, pretty boy.

- I usually look at the lines for every game when trying to choose my Survival Pool pick during the week and I tend to gravitate towards the highest lines (after all, Vegas tends to know what they're doing). This week, not one line really stands out to me (I've already used Pittsburgh and A Whale's Vagina, so their high lines don't count). Methinks one or more of the remaining 12 of us will not make it out of the weekend.

- Who's New England got this week?

- An epic ACC battle awaits us at 12 noon on Saturday: The Deamon Deacons and their coach with the last name that is not far off from the last night of our coach come to Charlottesville to try to impose their brand of football upon the Wahoos. If I know anything about Chris Long, he won't have any of that.

- Then again, Mike Groh is involved, so who knows if we can overcome our own Offensive Coordinator.

- And of course, Bobcats basketball starts Friday! Bring on the Chairman and the Bucks. Onward to the playoffs, boys!

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