Monday, November 19, 2007

Week 11: Draft Hanson!

Nacho: Since the Panthers decided not to play yesterday, today we'll turn our attention to the best football being played in North Carolina, at any level, cuz it sure as shit isn't in the NFL. Heck, the Duke Super Bowl was more entertaining than watching John Fox and the coaching staff screw the Panther faithful for another week.

It's not a secret that our Quarterback position has been in, shall we say, flux this past year. Wrought with turmoil and uncertainty, even Vinny Testaverde, yes the Vinny Testaverde, can't bring us a win. It's at times like this, when your backs against the wall, that you turn to the best you've got, the pinnacle of talent. You turn to one place, and one place only:


Do you enjoy winning and scoring lots of points? Cuz the Hawks fucking do. They amassed an undefeated record this season and absolutely embarassed Charlotte Christian for the 1A Independent Title on Friday. They've run roughshod over the entire state and these kids are hungry for more. I'd be willing to bet that the Charlotte Latin Hawks football team could beat 3 out of the 4 teams in the NFC South. (We'd pooch punt to the Panthers, then let them run it back on us for a win. Seems like something they'd be into.)

And whose leading this band of ruffians to the promiseland? None other than future X-Man, Braden Hanson. Hanson stands nine feet, two inches. He took Peyton Manning's laser-rocket arm, broke it in two, then shoved his own G11 arm up his ass and pulled the trigger til it Rachel Bilson fears Braden, but, yet, she is not afraid...

When passing, remember to
hit 'em in the numbers.

So, as we turn towards another NFC South match-up at home that we will invariably lose, take heed that in about five years the greatest QB to ever don a Panther uniform will be under center. He may even be passing to his old pal Brenton Bersin. (+5 points for alliteration!)

For the love of all that is holy, even our cross country team is better than the Panthers right now. I suspect it's because of the badass coaches.

One last note: man, I wish he'd been named Brandon. Brandon Hanson just sounds awesome. Is there a shortage of N's I don't know about? I'm very confused. Or drunk.

Brethren: My only patented bulleted thought:

- That pooch punt was disgustingly unoriginal. This regime has gotten so predictable that even when it tries to pull a "trick play" -- which is what the pooch punt is -- their opponent is ready for them and they return it for a touchdown. I turned to my buddy Steve at the bar and stated, "there's no way we're kicking this field goal; here comes the pooch punt." And there it went, and there the Pack went, touchdown, up 7-0, a lead they wouldn't let go of.

The thing that pisses me off so much is that even when this team tries to do something out of the ordinary, they do it so predictably and it backfires. In the past two weeks, two (unneccessary) gambles (the 4th and 1 in the Atlanta game, the pooch punt this week) have led to momentum-changing plays and all we seem to get out of the coaching staff is, "Well now you can't call us conservative, see!"

But they don't get it. Because the only reason I could have predicted the Panthers pooch-punting in that situation is because I watch all of their games. It doesn't take a genius to notice that everytime we have a 50+ yard field goal in the first half, we do the pooch punt. If I can notice that, and I don't get paid to do this shit, then certainly the scouts who do get paid will notice. And Green Bay's did; so they put a guy back there to return it...and he did...for a touchdown.

The thing is it's just sad. Despite Dan Henning's rep for being conservative, this team used to try big plays, momentum-changing plays. I can remember flea-flickers and long bombs to Steve Smith and Moose from the 2003 and 2005 teams. Maybe it was because Jake can throw a ball longer than 10 yards and no other QB on this team can. I don't know what it is exactly, but I can tell you this: the Panthers of '07, once Jake went down, have forgotten about trying the big play and it's sad.

But more importantly, maybe Panthers fans should forget those 2003 and 2005 squads. The coaching staff clearly has.


Gridiron Goddess said...

My BGHS Gaels are undefeated too.

Chris said...

i love the Lebowski reference/link.

And Brethren, that honestly felt like a Tom Sorenson column. Congrats, you've reached the big leagues.

i am the walrus,