Sunday, November 4, 2007

Week 9: Somewhere, Chris Weinke Vengefully Laughs to Himself

Nacho: My anger burns so brightly and is so deep-seeded I can't possibly come up with a clever simile. It's like watching George W Bush coach your team. Fox, you're losing your team, you're losing your fans, and you've lost a great deal of respect from everyone around you. You know why everyone hates America? Because we can't admit we ever make mistakes, like GOB Bluth.

John Fox is Ike. Panther fans are Tina. And we're about to slap back.

Oh hey look! The Bobcats are one of the best teams in pro basketball! They're combined margin of victory: 4

My Adam Morrison bobblehead is losing it's irony.

Special hat tip to Purple Jesus. Well played sir.

Take it away, Brethren, after....

Brethren: I'm here to provide a little reason to the outbursts of Nacho. Yes, we still run draws on 3rd and 13 and 3rd and 17. And yes, John Fox loves to play the field position game (even when the offense can't ever capitalize on good field position). One would think that this would change when your team is losing by as much as the Panthers were today.

BUT, gawddamn, David Carr is horrific. He blows more cock than David Spade. He fists his own ass more than Dane Cook. He is a not good football player. He hangs on to the ball too long; when he scrambles, he heads straight backwards; and he never throws the ball to friggin Steve Smith.

And, honestly, that's the man I'm most sorry for. Steve Smith, please don't demand a trade this week. Hopefully the Hobblin' Jesus will be back next week. Maybe Matt Moore will murder David Carr and take his job. Maybe Fox will realize David Carr smokes more pole than Tom Cruise. Steve, it has to get better. I love you.

One final note: while I appreciate the turnovers the defense produced, the fucking penalties kill me. Stupid mental mistakes should not be part of a John Fox football team, and today was embarrassing in that department. Sweet personal fouls, Peppers and Jon Beason. Way to help the team.

We're stuck at 4-4. We can't win at home. We scored 0 points off of 4 turnovers. We look shitty. Jake, I miss you. Smitty, stay strong. The rest of us, does anyone know a good hitman to take out the Hair? Please?

Non-Panthers thoughts:
- I met a dude at the bar who had run the NYC Marathon today in 3:36. He was a fucking champ, drinking beers, getting waited on by his smoking hot girlfriend, and hung out at our table all day. My man-crush was amazing: dude didn't train at all for the marathon, just stopped pounding beers a few days ago, woke up today and ran it. He was openly mocking the runners who were puking because "they must be retarded" because obviously running a marathon "is all mental." When his smoking hot girlfriend wasn't around, he was checking out other girls; he was complete alpha male and quite frankly, he rocked. Definitely made me hate the NYC Marathon less, even though it caused my trip to the bar take an hour and a half today.

- Virginia football: we're not good, but we win football games.

- Fuck Tom Brady.

- Sweet Jesus, Purple Jesus. We bow before you.

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