Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Scenes From A Drastic Situation: The Abyss

Nacho: It's been a rough season for the Cats. No position has experienced more turmoil than that of the quarterback. For my money, if Delhomme can't go, I want and trust but one man under center: Vinny Testaverde. David Carr's a piece of shit with great hair, and I'm exponentially happier receiving this news than that of another Carr start.

This got me thinking about what kind of pop culture reference I could make that would be appropriate for this situation. After witnessing the "performance" of the Panthers in last week's game against the Titans, I decided to go with one of my favorite sequences in film history: the resuscitation scene in The Abyss. because, really, at this point it kinda feels like we're drowning ourselves, giving up hope, and we need Bud Brigman's tenacity to get us through it.

Enjoy, after...


As the water creeps higher and higher towards the ceiling Bud Brigman (played by Vinny Testaverde) fights to come up with a way to save both himself and Lindsey (as played by the Carolina Panthers). He makes a decision & starts pulling off his backpack, when the Panthers stop him.

PANTHERS: Listen... will you listen to me for a second!? You're for the suit on and you're a better quarterback than me. Right? So I got a plan...

VINNY: What's the plan?

PANTHERS: I drown, you tow me back to the locker room--


PANTHERS: Look, this water is only a couple degrees above freezing. I drown. I go into deep blood like icewater. I can maybe be revived after two, three weeks. You got all the stuff to do it in the clubhouse...

Vinny stares into the Panthers eyes as the life fades out. He grabs them, and pulls them behind him, up into the clubhouse....

Steve & Keary leap into the freezing water, waist deep on the submerged diving platform. Vinny bursts to the surface. Together they haul the Panthers across the platform, out of the water, and onto the deck. Their skin is blue-white, their chest still.

After repeatedly trying to shock the Panthers heart back to life with a defibrillator, John Fox puts his hand on Vinny's shoulder.

JOHN FOX: (gently) Vinny, it's over, man. It's over.

There is a beat of silence. Vinny stares down into the Panthers' half-open, motionless eyes. They are the eyes of an apathetic, David-Carr-watching fanbase.

TIGHT ON VINNY, rigid, staring. John Fox puts his hand gently on Vinny's shoulder. Suddenly Vinny tears Fox's hand away and sets upon the Panthers like a madman, renewing his efforts in spades... totally manic.

VINNY: No! NO! They're not... their heart is strong, they want to live...can't you see that? Come on, Cats. Come on, baby! Zap 'em again! Do it... DO IT!

They do. And Vinny works, feverishly. He lock his lips over hers and starts mouth-to-mouth. It is frantic, passionate... the kiss of life.

VINNY: Come on, breath! Goddamn it, you bitch, you never backed down from anything in life... now fight!

He slaps their face, hard. Their head lolls. He smacks them the other way.

VINNY: Fight, Goddamnit! FIGHT!!

TIGHT ON THE PANTHERS, still. Then something incredible happens. Something they will never forget as long as they live. The Panthers cough once, weakly, and their hands clench in a spasm.

Vinny sees it and his expression becomes beatific.

VINNY Come on, Cats. You can do it... fight your way back, baby...

The Panthers go on to win out the rest of the regular season, storm through the playoff, win the Super Bowl, and stop a gigantic wave from decimating the human race. The End.

Be advised, the below video is the last ten minutes, in their entirety, of the director's cut, which, in my humble opinion, is the only version of
The Abyss that ever needs to be seen by anyone. Ever.

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