Saturday, July 14, 2007

The Ulimate Carolina Pro Hoops Draft

To quote Socrates, or was it C&C Music Factory?:

y'all want this party started, right?/Y'all want this party started, quickly?

It's the definitive North Carolina Pro Basktball Draft, wherein we both must test our mental fortitude and draft the players we'd use to create the ultimate team, comprised entirely of Charlotte Hornets and Bobcats. Then, maybe through or or through fan voting, we decide which team would win on the court.

The Stipulations:

1. The players had to play at least one season with the Horn/cats. No picking Kobe just b/c on draft day, he was taken by the Hornets.
2. You're only getting the player for the skill set he had/acquired when he was playing with the Horn/cats. For instance, if you take Zo, you're taking flat-top Zo, not bald, kidney-disease-fighting Zo. Interestingly, if you take Glen Rice, you're getting bald Glen Rice, not flat-top Glen Rice.
3. You absolutely CANNOT refer to,, google, wikipedia, anything to do any research. We are purely picking here on memory.
4. You get a 12 man roster, plus one coach.
5. Draft order is typical fantasy draft order (A gets 1, B gets 2,3, A gets 4,5, etc)
6. Draft pick justification and insulting/trash talking is a must.

Nacho Friendly, through seniority, will go first. In the first round, we are selecting a starting five plus coach. In the following rounds, we'll get to the all-important bench players,

1. Dell Curry, SG - The only thing more consistent in my life than Dell Curry's shot was my inability to land a girlfriend throughout most of my formative years. He was the consumate professional who might not find the rock in his hands as time ticked down, but was usually the reason the game was close at all. I defy anyone to find another draft where Dell freakin' Curry is taken number one.

Since this Ultimate Carolina Pro Hoops Draft was my idea, I'm borderline enraged/insulted that a bench player was taken first. Are you not taking this seriously, Nacho? I will now create the most amazingly amazing Horn/cat team put on the Earth solely to crush your sissy-Dell-Curry-led team. (Dell, if you're reading this, no offense. Please continue with your development of teaching RayRay to shoot.)

2. Baron Davis, PG - I'm getting two picks here, so really the order isn't so important. But you don't believe that and neither do I. So I took Baron with the number 2 overall pick for one reason: its symbology. Growing up, I was never what one would call big. But I understood the nuances of the game and the vision of a good point guard. I never understood why teams were fascinated with big men when the true leader on a court is the PG. I really couldn't stand it when some big kid tried to play the point. Assholes. Anyway, LeBaron had all the tools whilst with the Hornets to lead my Horn/cat team to dominate Nacho's. He also had the sickest dunk I have ever personally seen, in the playoffs against The Alien Sam Cassell's Bucks, when he came across the lane and finished with authority in what I believe was the last Hornets home playoff victory before George Shinn took them away. Asshole.

Fair enough, but the thing about Baron is that he didn't really come into his own, beard-wise, until he moved on. It took the turmoil and anger of his Hornet experience to realize that what Baron Davis needed to do was unleash the Neck Beard. Before that, while he was with Charlotte, he kept things in line. Short, simple, goatee'd. My love for Baron stems from his beard, and I just can't support the pansy-assed facial hair he sported in the South.

3. Alonzo Mourning, C - Ok, so I need a big guy for LeBaron to feed the rock to. Lots to choose from here, I'll take Zo. And I'm ok with flat-top Zo, even though he wasn't a world champion at this point in his career. He had the sick white wristbands that he incorporated into his free throw shot, which I'm pretty sure 45% of kids in Charlotte started doing at the Harris Y during rec league games. He also had the only game-winning playoff shot (versus Boston) when I was in second grade. I was clearly the bigger Hornets fan growing up, yet for some reason Nacho got to go to the game. Asshole.

Seeing that game-winner in person was totally worth the two hours it took to leave the godforsaken parking lot. Unfortunately I also witnessed the next several years of watching Zo try to prove he could dribble and missing every other big-time shot we needed him to make. So far, my team of Dell Curry is still better than yours.

4. Muggsy Bogues, PG - How can you sit there in your smug Upper East Side apartment and talk about point guards being leaders and not be talking about Muggsy Bogues? You say you were never big growing up? Boo-effing-hoo! The candy bars Muggsy would pass out at Halloween in Providence Plantation were bigger than him, and he was paid millions to play in the NBA! How Baron can possible compare, I'll never know.

Aw, how adorable. Sticking up for the little guy. You're looking at this as a nostalgic project, whereas I'm looking to kick ass and take names later. Even a non-bearded -- yet still headband-wearing -- LeBaron would dominate Muggsy in every sense of the word. Physically, athletically, mentally. How far did Muggsy take us in the playoffs? I'm pretty sure it wasn't as far as the ECSF (Eastern Conference Semifinals!) like LeBaron did.

5. Grandmama, PF - This was bar-none my hardest pick. I knew I wanted a big man and I was staring down the barrel of Vlade, LJ, and Anthony Mason. Vlade was part of the Kobe trade, which means he's out. Mason lost it by a nose to Larry Johnson because his head-carving ability wasn't quite as intimidating Larry's appearance on Family Matters Also, he won Rookie of the Year.

I could have called these two picks in my sleep. In fact, I did. Grandmama was great advertising, btdubs.

6. Glen Rice, SG - Even without the flat-top, GRice was the deadliest wing scorer in Horn/cat franchise history. The number he did on that third quarter in the All-Star game still hasn't been topped. He also spawned the greatest AIM screenname our of childhood, created by Big Mike Owens: GRiceFan41. The very core of my essence is encapsulated in that screenname.

Dell looked better in pinstripes.

7. Gerald Wallace, SF - Not only do I have the deadliest scorer, I now have the top shut-down defender in Horn/cat history. Who's gonna stop GRice now? Beyond that, G Force is easily worthy of the number seven pick. Our new $57 Milion man is everything I want in my team: hustle, defense, athleticism, great awkward facial hair. This isn't even fair anymore.

I think we might have another Rex Chapman on our hands with Wallace, but I do support his new contract and look forward to his extended play.

8. Robert Parrish, C - Sure we got him after all those championship, but just having his scowl upped our intimidation factor by twelve.

Ah, the Chief. I can't talk bad about the Chief.

9. Adam Morrison, SF - He might end up the biggest star in the NBDL, but that'll only make my Bobblehead that much more of a collector's item.
the Great Mustachio

The Great Mustachio to round out your starting five? Yea, your team honestly has no chance at beating mine.

10. Walter Hermann, PF - I literally started to pick PJ Brown and was gonna write about how goofy looking he was, how goofy looking his shot was, how he hustled and rebounded, yada yada yada. But I can't pass up Fabio. The big Argentin rounds out my starting five very well, bringing his rebounding, hustle, and toughness to my squad. I think I have a man-crush on myself for the way I'm constructing my team.

I'd have to be one cold-hearted bastard to talk bad about a guy whose been through hell already.

11. Paul Silas, coach - A player's coach thru and thru. Should be the career wins leader if I'm not mistaken. Overall good guy. I like him as my general.

I'm trying to remember how they did under Silas, which proves how forgettable his tenure must've been.

12. Dave Cowens, coach - Doable daughters? Kicked Bryan Adrian's butt?

That concludes our first round. Hopefully tomorrow, we'll get to the all-important role players in the second round and this is when the personalities of the teams will really get going.

- Nacho Friendly and Brethren

1 comment:

Trey said...

If I was given a large bag with a ton of money in it I still wouldn't root for Nacho Friendly's team, mainly b/c it looks like a middle of the pack NBDL team.