Sunday, July 15, 2007

The Ultimate Carolina Pro Hoops Draft, Round 2

Well, we're back, boys and girls. While the first round brought us great joy in establishing the five Horn/cats we want on the court at tip-off, we all know role players and bench warmers are where quality entertainment comes from. Without further ado...

13. Emeka Okafor, PF/C -
While Mek is a solid starter for the Bobcats -- averaged a double double last year -- I think he can be effective coming off the bench because he's one of those players that can play two positions. Bench guys are like that. And I'm sure I'll be nice enough to let him compete in practice for Hermann's starting role.

I enjoy Emeka's embracing of his own goofiness, but I feel compelled to like him because he's a big name on the Bobcats, not because he's done anything to really make me want to like him. No offense.

14. George Zidek, C - You take your foreigner big-man, I'll take mine. The mental image of Robert Parrish posting up Zidek just tickles me pink, and I can't remember a last name that didn't inspire so many "witty" pronunciations amongst the monied folk of the courtside seats. Good times, good times.

Your sixth man is George Zidek? Start taking this seriously, Cloud.

15. Michael Adams, PG/SG - Adams gets the nod due to his uncanny ability from deep on Sega's NBA Live '98 or something. He had like a 97% from three-point land. It was unreal; he's the only videogame entity that could even compare to Tim Legler (for reasons passing understanding). And, in real life, his shot was one of the ugliest ducklings you ever laid eyes on. If Muggsy can't cut it and needs a break, I'll gladly take Michael Adams.

See, this is where you still owning a Sega comes in handy. I really wanted to take Adams in the second round, but for the love of God, could not remember his first name. I was thinking it was Scott or George or Beyonce or something like that. Silly me.

16. Bobby Phills, SG/SF - The only Hornet to ever have his number retired. He was a tough, hard-nosed, athletic wing player. Would fit in nicely in my Horn/cat team put on Earth solely to crush your sissy-Dell-Curry-led team. RIP, big guy.

Here's the part where I say something over-the-line about the dead guy, but I don't have it in me. I didn't follow Phills and only really knew him from the accident, but if Brethren says he's Aces, that's good enough for me.

17. Mike Gminksi, PF - What a great name, what a great beard. The G-Man adds the tough, interior depth I'm looking for. He looked fantastic in those white home unis too. Mmmmm.

I can't speak ill of a man with that face mane. Funny story, back in December of last year I was picking out some cigars for my dad at the Tinder Box in Southpark Mall. I turned around whilst waiting in line and notice Big Mike Giminski has his own humidor/locker thingy. Instant smile fuel.

18. Ray Felton, PG - Wanted to take Matt Carroll here due to his ability to tell Morrison where all the great restaurants in Flagstaff and other NBDL team cities, but, despite his magical performance against the Lakers this past season, I've gotta hand it to Ray Ray. I applaud Bob Johnson's long-term idea of drafting local boys until they develop, and Ray Ray's done a helluva better job progressing than Seanny May. In his defense, May's been injured a lot more, so maybe he's got a growing problem, and not a going problem.

I wasn't as on board with the whole "pick lots of Carolina players, hopefully these Charlotte people won't notice it says Bobcats on the jersey, not North Carolina," but I'm coming around to RayRay. But I still hate Sean May.

19. Kelly Tripucka, SG - The last professional athlete to open display chest hair the way it was meant to be. I like to believe there are certain restaurants like Sonny's and Original House of Pancakes that still keep a table available for Kelly should he deem the public lucky enough to be graced by his presence. I hear his touch heals lepers.

Screw you. I had Tripucka targeted with the 20th pick. I even made it to the playoffs of my fantasy basketball league with my team this year named "Kelly Tripucka." He belongs on my Horn/cat squad.

20. Rex Chapman, SG - The stud from Kentucky. Like Nacho, he started to prematurely bald. Unlike Nacho, his shot was nice and actually had arc. That's enough to be my sharp-shooter off the bench.

If I had to pass on one underachiever, I'm glad it was Rex. When I word associate with Rex Chapman, I think Danny Manning. After the 80s, pretty much obsolete.

21. Jeff McInnis, PG - The Charlotte native. I'm not gonna lie, I'm taking him as my backup point guard because about seven years ago, my buddy Big Mike and I assigned pro basketball players and their skill sets to each of our friends on the court. Big Mike deemed me to be the Jeff McInnis of our rec league teams: ball handling, vision, midrange jumper. I am just as proud today as I was back then.

I'm pretty sure you've made this person up.

22. Anthony Mason, PF - The steal of the draft at 22nd! Huzzah! I've often been known to posit the theory that Julius Peppers is a government experiment that succeeded beyond any of the Scientists wildest dreams, so the only logical place to release him into the general population was as a pro football players...and, well, I just feel like maybe Anthony Mason was one of the older, perhaps-not-quite-ready versions.

Underachievers? You wanna talk about underachievers? Mason was great at what? Having a huge ass? Thinking he was a good ball handler? What am I missing here?

23. Johnny Newman, SF - I needed a swingman, and this guy's name over the PA system at the Coliseum sounded just so sweet. What grown man goes by Johnny? Pro athletes are mythical heroes to kids, and they need mythical names. Like Johnny.

Excellent points. I have no retort. Except for this...

24. Jamal Mashburn, SF - Boom. You wanna talk about steals of the draft? His turnaround/fadeaway jumper was unstoppable those last few years the Hornets were in Charlotte. He was a great scorer and was sufficiently goofy-looking. I also like that he got drafted at his jersey number.

I gotta hand it to ya: Jamal Mashburn is one goofy looking muthafucka.

25. Vlade Divac - As my 12th man, I can see Vlade doing a lot of great things with the enthusiastic towel wave, the high fives, the strange close relationships he develops with my black stars. Yea, he might be a flopper, but he's a good passing big man and he was a starter on those Baron/Mashburn teams. He's everything I want in my 12th man.

Traitor. I thought there was a gentleman's agreement we wouldn't involve the man who came to us via a trade for a Person That Shall Not Be Named. I enjoyed having Vlade in the prime of his career and look forward to his eventual run at the governship of California.

26. Kurt FUCKIN' Rambis - God you have no idea how hard it was for me to keep that one inside!!! I was hoping you'd forget the mustachioed/bespectacled wonder, and you did. He's gonna be my Ace up my sleeve. Your ass is RambASS! BWHAHAHAHA!

I didn't forget. I just was in the mood for a bearded Yugoslavikian for my 12th man. Neither of us took a bad 12th man.

The Final Sports Brethren Rosters look like this:

Curries - owned by Nacho
Starting Five
C - Robert Parish
PF - Larry Johnson
SF- Adam Morrison
SG - Dell Curry
PG - Muggsy Bogues

Bench Players
George Zidek, C
Michael Adams, PG/SG
Ray Felton, PG
Kelly Tripucka, SG
Anthony Mason, PF
Johnny Newman, SF
Kurt Fuckin' Rambis, PF
Dave Cowens, Coach

Horn/cats -- owned by Brethren
Starting Five
C - Alonzo Mourning
PF - Walter Hermann
SF - Gerald Wallace
SG - Glen Rice
PG - Baron Davis

Bench Players
Emeka Okafor, PF/C
Bobby Phills, SF/SG
Mike Gminksi, PF
Rex Chapman, SG
Jeff McInnis, PG
Jamal Mashburn, SF
Vlade Divac, C
Paul Silas, Coach

So there it is. Our fantasy Pro Carolina Hoops Draft. We're gonna figure out whose team would beat whom's and we'll let you know. Please Feel free to ridicule our picks and point out the glaring mistakes we made in the comments section. I still have the utmost confidence the Horn/cats will take down Nacho's Curries, but what do any of us really know?


FanProphet said...

This is freakin hilarious. I've heard of drafting and even participated in a few drafts with sega, PS, but who in the heck thought of this. This is great!

FanProphet said...

sorry guys of course i see no anonymous comments after i click publish

Gridiron Goddess said...

You two are hysterical!

Good work!

As I mentioned to Nacho a few days ago, my brother is the King of the Fantasy leagues with something like 5 championships in 3 sports. Will have to turn him onto these posts, he will love them!

Kevin said...

Really? No Hersey Hawkins? Deadly 3-point accuracy and a name fit for a king. I am disappointed in both of you. Don't even get me started on the absence of Matt Geiger from both squads. Shame on you