Monday, July 16, 2007

The ESPYs Liveblog

Due to the time difference, I was able to catch all of the ESPYs without missing a moment of Johnny Drama buggin' out. Here are the emails I sent to Brethren.

- This is twice now that the big summer events for ESPN have
suffered by ESPN forgetting that their primary programming during the
summer is baseball. It happened with Bronx is Burning after the Home Run
Derby ran long, and we're about 5-10 mins late on their own awards

- 5-7 minute video montage that reminds me that despite all the
bitching and moaning of the blogosphere, even after the
inispid/insulting drivel ESPN churns out, the actual sports this year
were pretty heart-warming. Namely, Boise-ites.

- LeBron enters and reminds me of Eddie Murphy in that really opulent,
Egyptian-themed Michael Jackson video. This will be the first of what
I assume will be several allusions to the mid-90s because something
tells me LeBron wasn't allowed to watch tv until he made 1000 free
throws every night, and only began to routinely do that during the

- First ESPY goes to...Devin Hester. Odds on whether or not Mister
Hester will be available for signings and photographs at local Chicago
Chevy Dealers at this time next year, 4:1.

- Ever hear of this Valvoline guy? Changed the oil lube industry with
a speech in a tux.

- Tonight the role of Christopher Lloyd's Uncle Fester from the "Addams Family" movies will be played by Jerry Tarkanian in a shower.

If you're feeling saucy, join us, after...

- I was hammered the night of LeBron's 48 points, so every time I see highlights from it, I giddily discover something I'd missed.

- LeBron dunks a baby.

- It's a shame Talladegga Nights is gonna lose to We Are Marshall, it's kind of a magical movie experience. I grew up surrounded by future Cal Naughton Jr.'s....WOW. I kind of have more respect for the ESPN voters than I do AMPAS. Huh....Didn't see that coming.

- Christian Slater's there.

- I've figured it out, the PA girl is Tara Reid. And she's been drinking.

- I'll say this and only this about the Claymation Friends/Real World show: I anxiously await the YouTube parodies.

- I solemnly swear I will never cheer for anything from Boise as hard as I am cheering for them to win Best Game. Ah, that felt good.

- Valvano tribute/award. Is Pat Summit hinting at a post-college-coach
career in Cougardom? North Carolina comes out swinging with the best
human interest sports story of the year. Somewhere, J-Mac, scowls and
swears vengeance.

- I like to imagine that there's a guy in the ESPN truck outside whose chomping on a cigar and demanding more reaction shots from Robert Horry. It's gold I tell ya! GOLD!

- We're about an hour in and we haven't seen a single image of hockey since the opening montage.

- How does LaDanian Tomlinson get away with not wearing a jacket?

- It's funny to think T.O. kinda/sorta should be dead, but instead he's seated next to a twelve-year-old white kid at the ESPYs.

- I feel this will be the year I won't fear the Best Female Athlete winner...Candace Parker looks about two-seconds away from pulling out that blond chick's hair.

- The Under Armour Eagles team defied the Laws of Camel Toeing.

- Christian Slater narrates the Irish And 1 Tourney video. Skip-To-My-Loo Sullivan nowhere to be found.

- And now...the much hyped LeBron-as-Bobby-Brown musical number. If this is what we can expect from his new CD, I'll stick to my old Shaq Fu albums, thank you very much.

- Peyton Manning is much better versed in the art of not-looking-in-the-camera when they cut to you clapping.

- Best Play ESPY is up now. I'm going for Frost/Nixon. Take that Frank
Langhella, Boise State pwns your ass.

- I hope they do an episode of "Underaged & Engaged" featuring the
Boise State running back.

- Shaq pimpwalks out, makes an Oden joke. Presents the LifeTime TV For Women Award. New Orleans wins, I hope Derek Fisher's daughter isn't watching. Personally, I woulda gone with Tiger; something about the familial ties, kinda like how the first season of 24 is exponentially better than any subsequent seasons.

- Oh Berman, you slay me, you really no, there's two O's in Goose.

- Are we sure Tony Dungy isn't related to the marching band teacher/conductor from Dave Chappelle's Block Party?

- ESPN perpetuates the continued yoking of Freddy Adu. Jeebus, when will America realize the best soccer player in the US isn't Biritsh, he's not Landon, he's Freddy Adu.

- Kelly Clarkson looks famished.

- Is there a more disturbing commercial than the kids 12 and under football team getting overly-hyped about Under Armour? I'm fairly certain at some point in my life, I'm going to run afoul of one of those kids, and it will not end well.

- I sincerely hope Luke Wilson gets nominated for his turn in The Great One: the Wayne Gretzky story, directed by Milos Forman.

- Best Male Athlete: I've been swayed into the Federer camp. He's just
plain nasty, and he's the only current athlete whom, when you watch
him play, you think to yourself, that's exactly what I'd do if I were
playing this as a videogame. Plus, the dude lives in Dubai, and that's
just plain badass...and the winner is: LaDanian...or as ESPN calls
him, the one that showed up. (Tiger and Federer have much better
things to do with their time. Like, say, world domination.)

- Maggie Q can't wait to get drunk.

- Nice to see the girls who used to be the Juggies on the Man Show got
some work during the final dance number.

- Apparently, that's it. I guess it's difficult to determine which
category has enough gravitas to be deemed the Final award of the
evening, but, I mean, whatever. One thing's for certain, I ain't
watching Stu Scott to save your life.

Time to drink.


Gridiron Goddess said...

I see Tara Reid was her usual classy self there. lolz

Trey said...

Yeah, whatever