Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Brethren: Yes, it's Interview Week here at the Sports Brethren. The charming photo stage left is of the former Clemson soccer star* who goes by the name Jarrett Ramos Lewis. People who like to make him believe they are his friends call him "JLew." JLew played goalie (in fairyworld, they call them "keepers") and he arrived on campus a much-ballyhooed recruit. He accomplishments at the high school level included being named to the All-State team his sophomore year only to not sniff the honorary team ever again. While at Clemson, JLew often was on the proverbial IR, but he ended up totaling four years on the team. He recently left the squad this past summer when he couldn't get through yet another injury rehabilitation and the political world began calling his name. While on the sockher team, JLew's Tigers always had a winning record, and in the 2005-2006 season, they even made the NCAA Final Four. This year, their first without JLew since 2003, they are 6-8-1 and 1-5 in ACC play. 'Nuff said.
Neither Brethren nor Nacho came even remotely close to playing collegiate athletics. The "amateurs" that play the games (even if they are soccer games) fascinate us a bit, and we got to thinking about what that would be like to have it ripped away. So we caught up with JLew to get inside the mind of a former college athlete who has tasted the hilltops, seen the glory, and is now just satisfied getting drunk and watching his football team underperform like the rest of us.
(* = as much as a guy who started maybe two games in his career be a star)
The interview, if you follow us through
SB: Since you left the Clemson mens soccer team, how have you been dealing with life away from the limelight? Doing lots of cocaine off stripper's tits? Putting on a few lbs from that Keystone Light? Crying like a girl?
JLew: The stripper thing mostly. I do however like to write down my thoughts and emotions from time to time, which I will use for my auto-biography "JLEW: Confessions of a Serial Gun User".
SB: Take me through your emotions on a Clemson soccer game day. What's it like as a has-been as opposed when you were an injury-ridden player?
JLew: I would say it's similar to that guy who always talks about winning the baseball state championship in high school though he played one inning all year. You of course remember that guy, right? (Ed. Note: That'd be Brethren; fuck yea I was a sophomore and we won that shit. Nacho was there in attendance, drunk.)
As for my gameday routine I can get drunk during the game and yell now. I especially loved the mom who told a group of us former players that we had ruined soccer for their son after a game a few weeks ago (to which one of my former drunk irish teammates who had coached the kid responded with "well maybe you shouldn't have married such an unathletic deuche"...true story)
SB: What was your favorite injury that you sustained?
JLew: Jeez, there have been so many to choose from. I would go with the hernia junior year of high school. Simply because the surgeon was a baller. Too bad his third child didn't turn out like they had hoped. (Ed. Note:The surgeon was none other than Cap'n Pappy. Brethren's his third child.)
SB: Is it weird that you're no longer a student athlete and yet you were named the Touchstone Energy Teammate of the Week this week? Are they implying the team is better off without you on it? That you help the team by not being a part of it? (Check out minute 12:22 of this week's Tommy Bowden Show)
JLew: Actually the guys look to me for advice on a day to day basis with issues both on and off the field. Such as what is the best way to look at girls in the stands without getting caught by the coaches or cameras. Or what is the best method to toss a player on the field a water bottle at a stoppage of play (you need more of a line drive throw...too much arc and you run the risk of the player losing it under the lights).
SB: How much box did you slay using the line, "Yea, I play soccer for Clemson."?
JLew: Let's just say during my career I would have given Wilt a run for his money.
SB: Do your "friends" who are still on the soccer team treat you like just another one of those fags who aren't athletes?
JLew: This coming from the guy who still lives in his frat boy glory days. Grow up, Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
SB: Isn't soccer for queers?
JLew: Proabably. But Dee wouldn't let me play anything else.
SB: You're goofy. I mean look at you! -->
SB: How did David Beckham coming to the US to play soccer help out the sport's popularity in this country where we live?
JLew: It didn't at all. If we want to draw the average American sports-viewer attention we need to do something better than bring over a fairy from across the pond. Really MLS? Really? Make the goals bigger, shorten the field, add cheerleaders, do away with red cards...no, the league pays an over the hill poster face 250 million to revive the league. (sorry, this one still has me fuming).
SB: Considering his hobbled, crippled state, is Beckham still capable of bending anything? Victoria?
JLew: Well since soccer is not for those of the heterosexual type as you so kindly suggested earlier, my theory is that David does not ride the skin bus to Posh's tuna town. (Ed Note: Good point.)
SB: In feet, what's the total length of cock you've seen as part of a college athletic team in the showers? Best estimate.
JLew:I can only imagine the Cap'n and Mammy's faces when they read this question. But in all fairness I would say roughly 30 feet. Oh wait I guess I should count myself too...make that 30 feet 9 inches.
SB: Could you help Greg Ryan out with some change?
JLew: I only would have liked the move if we could have seen Solo and Briana Scurry battle it out with Blue KY Style....meanwhile, I am thinking reality show for the next coach they hire.
SB: Hope Solo: future ex-wife of Nacho Friendly, or future ex-wife of Brethren?
JLew: Ex Nacho Friendly. She would break the Brethren. Plus she's a left coaster. Advantage: Mullet-less Nacho.
SB: Have you achieved a level of ninjadom that allows you to play shaolin soccer?
JLew:Not quite there, but with the Olympics in China next summer, I hope to achieve that level as can be provided by the one and only Mr. Miyagi.
SB: Would it help or hurt the MLS to find out Freddie Adu spreads his seed better than Travis Henry?
JLew: You guys must not be up to speed on your MLS. Freddy is playing in Europe now. Look, I gotta go pee, but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.