Week 8: The Anti-Boss Game

Brethren: So Nacho is entertaining Mammy out in LaLa-land and they're seeing the Boss tonight. I saw him at MSG a few weeks ago; needlesstosay, the man still rocks.

You know what doesn't rock? A 31-7 loss to the Colts.

Some other things that are Anti-Boss about this Panthers team:

- They have yet to win at home.

- David Carr doesn't know who Steve Smith is.

- Vinny Testaverde, despite being a much better quarterback than David Carr, still threw a terrible interception in the end zone in the second quarter. I think that INT woke the Colts up and they remembered they were actually better than the Cats.

More patented Brethren thoughts after:

Brethren (cont'd): - The Colts are just a lot better than us, and most of the NFL. Those 31 unanswered points were positively dominating.

- The scheduling gods did as much as they could to help us, with this being only the second time a team who played on the road on Monday night had to play on the road the following Sunday against a team who had just had their bye. The Colts do not believe in the scheduling gods.

- The scary thing is the Patriots might be a lot better than the Colts. Next week's game is gonna be monumental.

- While it's probably untrue that David Carr doesn't not know who Steve Smith is, it is true that he is the most jittery quarterback I've ever seen. He checks down from that first progression (Steve Smith) way way too often. Doesn't he know that Steve Smith is not human and catch most anything coming his way? Fucking take a chance, pretty boy.

- That first drive, Vinny T, that first drive. I bet John Fox is still having wet dreams over that drive. I might be too. Sucks the rest of the game was pretty shitty.

- I'm sorry there's not a lot of energy in this post. This was a depressing football weekend. Virginia lost their first ACC game; Florida lost to Georgia for the third time in the last 18 tries; the Panthers got stomped at home. Good thing Latin beat Country Day -- we almost got the 0-4 weekend. 1-3 sucks still.

- So I'll leave you with one thing that was Boss from this weekend: Trinity football's announcers.



Nacho: As brethren said, Mammy was in town this weekend. We had a loverly time and I'm far more attractive than when she arrived. (With the Panthers loss, so goes the muttonchops.) In their honor, a highlight reel:

- The opening drive.

- My sweet costume on Saturday night.

- The Grill on Hollywood. (Great steak.)

- Going apefeces in Barnes & Noble, the jewel of the bunch being "Gonzo", the oral history of Hunter S Thompson.

- The Boss played in the LA Memorial Ports Arena (not a typo; the lights are out in the S). Our seats were behind the stage, but on the fifth row. Basically, the Boss generally rocked out facing away from, but his band, and even the man himself weren't too shy about stepping on a platform back in our area and rocking out to us on several occassions.

- Brethren agrees: OC Cougars > NJ Cougars.

- I'm currently winning the fantasy hockey league I'm in with an astounding 27-1-2 record. Last week I shut out my opponent 15-0.

- Last, but not least, parenting in Colorado:


The Jump

Lil' Bastardz: Josh Beckett

Nacho: Lil' Bastardz is where I notice that someone, a sports figure most likely, looks like the unholy spawn of two other recognizable and/or semi-recognizable people. I get the feeling international cable-tv stars will eventually make an appearance.

FIrst up: Josh Beckett.

I'm not that much of a baseball fan, but even I respect Josh's abilities on the mound. He's a damn sight more enjoyable to watch than some spazz-ass ADD kid in an oversized Red Sox jersey do the Elaine.

After a long day of work, Josh Beckett looks like the unholy spawn of Matt Parkman and Liam McPoyle:



There ain't nuthin after....




Told you.

The Jump

SB Interviews: JWho? JLew!

Brethren: Yes, it's Interview Week here at the Sports Brethren. The charming photo stage left is of the former Clemson soccer star* who goes by the name Jarrett Ramos Lewis. People who like to make him believe they are his friends call him "JLew." JLew played goalie (in fairyworld, they call them "keepers") and he arrived on campus a much-ballyhooed recruit. He accomplishments at the high school level included being named to the All-State team his sophomore year only to not sniff the honorary team ever again. While at Clemson, JLew often was on the proverbial IR, but he ended up totaling four years on the team. He recently left the squad this past summer when he couldn't get through yet another injury rehabilitation and the political world began calling his name. While on the sockher team, JLew's Tigers always had a winning record, and in the 2005-2006 season, they even made the NCAA Final Four. This year, their first without JLew since 2003, they are 6-8-1 and 1-5 in ACC play. 'Nuff said.

Neither Brethren nor Nacho came even remotely close to playing collegiate athletics. The "amateurs" that play the games (even if they are soccer games) fascinate us a bit, and we got to thinking about what that would be like to have it ripped away. So we caught up with JLew to get inside the mind of a former college athlete who has tasted the hilltops, seen the glory, and is now just satisfied getting drunk and watching his football team underperform like the rest of us.

(* = as much as a guy who started maybe two games in his career be a star)

The interview, if you follow us through

SB: Since you left the Clemson mens soccer team, how have you been dealing with life away from the limelight? Doing lots of cocaine off stripper's tits? Putting on a few lbs from that Keystone Light? Crying like a girl?

JLew: The stripper thing mostly. I do however like to write down my thoughts and emotions from time to time, which I will use for my auto-biography "JLEW: Confessions of a Serial Gun User".

SB: Take me through your emotions on a Clemson soccer game day. What's it like as a has-been as opposed when you were an injury-ridden player?

JLew: I would say it's similar to that guy who always talks about winning the baseball state championship in high school though he played one inning all year. You of course remember that guy, right? (Ed. Note: That'd be Brethren; fuck yea I was a sophomore and we won that shit. Nacho was there in attendance, drunk.)

As for my gameday routine I can get drunk during the game and yell now. I especially loved the mom who told a group of us former players that we had ruined soccer for their son after a game a few weeks ago (to which one of my former drunk irish teammates who had coached the kid responded with "well maybe you shouldn't have married such an unathletic deuche"...true story)

SB: What was your favorite injury that you sustained?

JLew: Jeez, there have been so many to choose from. I would go with the hernia junior year of high school. Simply because the surgeon was a baller. Too bad his third child didn't turn out like they had hoped. (Ed. Note:The surgeon was none other than Cap'n Pappy. Brethren's his third child.)

SB: Is it weird that you're no longer a student athlete and yet you were named the Touchstone Energy Teammate of the Week this week? Are they implying the team is better off without you on it? That you help the team by not being a part of it? (Check out minute 12:22 of this week's Tommy Bowden Show)

JLew: Actually the guys look to me for advice on a day to day basis with issues both on and off the field. Such as what is the best way to look at girls in the stands without getting caught by the coaches or cameras. Or what is the best method to toss a player on the field a water bottle at a stoppage of play (you need more of a line drive throw...too much arc and you run the risk of the player losing it under the lights).

SB: How much box did you slay using the line, "Yea, I play soccer for Clemson."?

JLew: Let's just say during my career I would have given Wilt a run for his money.

SB: Do your "friends" who are still on the soccer team treat you like just another one of those fags who aren't athletes?

JLew: This coming from the guy who still lives in his frat boy glory days. Grow up, Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

SB: Isn't soccer for queers?

JLew: Proabably. But Dee wouldn't let me play anything else.

SB: You're goofy. I mean look at you! -->

JLew: (Silence).

SB: How did David Beckham coming to the US to play soccer help out the sport's popularity in this country where we live?

JLew: It didn't at all. If we want to draw the average American sports-viewer attention we need to do something better than bring over a fairy from across the pond. Really MLS? Really? Make the goals bigger, shorten the field, add cheerleaders, do away with red cards...no, the league pays an over the hill poster face 250 million to revive the league. (sorry, this one still has me fuming).

SB: Considering his hobbled, crippled state, is Beckham still capable of bending anything? Victoria?

JLew: Well since soccer is not for those of the heterosexual type as you so kindly suggested earlier, my theory is that David does not ride the skin bus to Posh's tuna town. (Ed Note: Good point.)

SB: In feet, what's the total length of cock you've seen as part of a college athletic team in the showers? Best estimate.

JLew:I can only imagine the Cap'n and Mammy's faces when they read this question. But in all fairness I would say roughly 30 feet. Oh wait I guess I should count myself too...make that 30 feet 9 inches.

SB: Could you help Greg Ryan out with some change?

JLew: I only would have liked the move if we could have seen Solo and Briana Scurry battle it out with Blue KY Style....meanwhile, I am thinking reality show for the next coach they hire.

SB: Hope Solo: future ex-wife of Nacho Friendly, or future ex-wife of Brethren?

JLew: Ex Nacho Friendly. She would break the Brethren. Plus she's a left coaster. Advantage: Mullet-less Nacho.

SB: Have you achieved a level of ninjadom that allows you to play shaolin soccer?

JLew:Not quite there, but with the Olympics in China next summer, I hope to achieve that level as can be provided by the one and only Mr. Miyagi.


SB: Would it help or hurt the MLS to find out Freddie Adu spreads his seed better than Travis Henry?

JLew: You guys must not be up to speed on your MLS. Freddy is playing in Europe now. Look, I gotta go pee, but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.

The Jump

SB Interviews: Juiced Sports!

Nacho: A couple weeks ago Juiced Sports listed us as the sixty-fourth most influential sportsblog on the Interwebs. The SportsSibling pointed out that meant there were thirty-six less influential blogs out there. We like her view. We spake with Juiced's intrepid editor, Mitchell, and jawed about blogs and the Cleveland sports scene. Join us:

SB: Just to get it out of the way: How are you dealing with the Indians? Are you polishing a gun barrel?

Juiced Sports: Well, let me give you my opinion on the series: I think it was won by manny ramirez. Not by his bat,
but by his quote, "i don't care," because the next game, the Indians 1b garko gave a bulletin-board quote "champaigne tastes just as good on the road as at home," so the red sox were really motivated, but we responded to manny's quote by being less motivated.

SB: Onward to happier subjects, like Derek "Mr." Anderson and his mechanical decimation of all foes. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to live in a world where the Browns are good. Why is this team so much better with DA under center than Charley Frye?

JS: Anderson was a sixth round pick just a few years ago, so it's not like he came out of nowhere like Brady. He hasn't been in the league as long. He has the skills, but Frye just had the heart. Frye didn't have much physical skill, but he gave everything, and that's why he was a 3rd round pick. Anderson probably had less mechanics and understanding of the game going in, but he has a better arm and better accuracy and everything, so as he has learned the game the past few years, he has slowly improved. And for the record, the Browns are still 0-3 on the road, and haven't won 2 straight in something like 3 years, so playing the winless Rams on the road, should test whether we can ever be successful...That's next week's game, of course.

The rest of the goodness, after...


SB: Considering the lack of off-season moves the Cavs were able to make, what chances do you think they have of making it back to the Finals, or even the playoffs?

JSThe playoffs is a lock. LeBron isn't going to be denied, and we we're the #2 seed last year with the same team, so I don't see why we would drop 6 slots. But, the Finals, no. We overpreformed to make it last year. We didn't make any moves because we had no cap room (though that doesn't affect the Knicks), because Illguaskus is tied up for two more years at $10 million a year.

SB:Who on the Cavs do you expect to break out and take some of the burden off LBJ?

JS Probably no one on the team currently, but I'm sure we'll sign someone once Z and Hughes's contracts expire.
Hughes was doing a good job as LeBron's #2 man up until he got injured and had his brother die halfway through his first year here.

SB: Tell me something about the Cleveland sports scene that would surprise sports fans who probably think of Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes when they think about Cleveland.

JS: I was reading the opinion section yesterday, and they had a lot of letters about the Chief Wahoo and whether or not he is racist, an ongoing topic here, and someone from Boston sent a letter in saying, "Maybe you guys are conditioned to see Chief Wahoo every game, but people outside of Cleveland are really disgusted," so if that guy's facts are true, I guess that's something about what other cities think of Cleveland...Another thing, people say the Browns have hardcore fans, but if you ever go to a Browns-Steelers home game, it looks almost like a Steelers home game.

SB: Do you have a favorite sports memory from your tenure in Cleveland. Something you connect with being a fan specifically from the area?

JS My favorite memory was watching my high school basketball team lose to St Vincent-St Mary in the playoffs when we face LeBron in 2000. Shaq and Kobe were at the game.

SB: As a Clevelander, how would/do you feel about the prospect of LBJ heading out of town any time soon?

JS: Everyone else in Cleveland seems to overreact, but I know we've got the max contract to Cleveland, and I'm pretty sure that LeBron has enough money to travel to New York and watch Yankees games whenever he wants without living there. Just because he is a Yankees fan doesn't mean he wants to play for the Knicks.

SB: who would?

JS But, I remember when were offering him his second contract a few years ago, and he (gasp!) actually took time to consider it, there was probably 4 days between when we offered it and he accepted, and in those 4 days, the talk show hosts were exploding saying this proves he doesn't want to play for us...He took less money for less years. Always bucking conformity, that one.

SB: Do you have a favorite blogger or site?

JS Besides myself? My favorite sports blog is thebiglead.com

SB:Who will have a more successful year, the Browns or Drew Carey?

JS: Well I don't know much about drew carey, because, like all great Clevelanders--Rockefeller, Steinbrenner, Ramirez--he left Cleveland, and I don't watch his new show, but if he can walk onto the road without getting runover by a truck, i suppose that would make him more successful than the Browns.

There you have it folks, straight from the source. Brethren's got an interview of his own he should be posting soon, so check back when you get the chance. Holler atcha latta.
The Jump

We're Not Good, But We Win Football Games

Brethren: Maybe it's because I'm not there anymore. Maybe it's because they have no idea what they're doing. Maybe I still don't think this is a good football team.

But the University has quietly assembled a 7-1 football team, 4-0 in ACC play.

This calls for a classic, dowhatnow?

Brethren (cont'd): Everyone's talking about how crazy this college football season has been, where everyone is getting knocked off, every team in the SEC East but Vandy is tied for first place, and Boston College is #2 in the BCS poll (and only because friggin South Florida lost).

However, no one's really talking about the craziness that is UVa. And honestly, they shouldn't be because like the title mentions, this is not a good football team.

But dammit, they win football games. Five of their seven wins have been by five points or less. I couldn't really tell you any of their strengths because they change every week (except for Chris Long, he's a beast). And like a good Virginia football Pavlovian dog, I don't want to raise my hopes just to have a November collapse destory my faith in humanity.

But as I stood in the crowded bar that the Virginia Club of New York had designated as the place to watch the game, and swayed singing the Good Ole Song to celebrate another UVa win, I realized, "Yea, this team might not be good, but in a season of story-toppers, they're quietly putting together a fun season." (It's cool, like J.D., I often think to myself in long-winded, grammatically shaky sentences.)

Virginia football: struggling to be relevant. And yet awesome.

Other tidbits from the game:

- Mikell Simpson, what up? I only knew this guy before the season started because in my third year of college, my rommate J Price and I ran a NCAA team on PS2. We'd play the games whenever one of us had the chance, then do the recruiting season together. Well, about four season deep into the game, coming off back to back national titles for the men of Charlottesville, we had a certain running back who wore the #5 who ran for over 3000 yards in one season. 3000. Mikell Simspson was untsoppable, just like last night.

- Yes, J Price and I were texting about that last night, and were each telling anyone who would listen that story.

- Our QB on that team was a sick 5-star recruit named Eddie Cannon. How awesome is that name for a QB?

- Yes, our win prominently involved a safety. Chris Long will eat your babies as Howie watches and approves.

- Just remember: this is not a good football team. But they win footbal games.
The Jump

Week 6: Boom Bitch!

Nacho: Lissen up.

I've been thinking about something ever since I penetrated the Pink Taco and walked away a winner. It's my deepest, most complex thoughts on the nature of fandom and the exclusive circumstances football provides for extraordinary behavior.

Also, there's gonna be a lot of pictures that look like this:

Buzzsaw killers

Humble yourself before Old Jesus, after...



Nacho cont'd: Two years ago, when the Panthers played the Bears in 2nd round of the playoffs. That's when it happened. The moment Smith scored on the second play from scrimmage I was sitting at a table with one diehard Bears fan, and a handful of Panther fans (the only ones in the bar).

As Smith scampered down Soldier Field I stood atop my booth and what spewed forth from my mouth was a slew of the most hateful, passionate, hurtful words ever spoken. I had antagonized the entire bar, including a man of much greater physical size than me, who happened to be sitting next to me. Then, something remarkable happened.

Nothing.

As bright as their rage burned inside each and every individual there, when the Panthers came away victorious, I was untouchable. I "sincerely" congratulated Bears fans on a well-fought match and more than once was advised that I would be healthier if I didn't say another word. I walked away sans scratches.

I can't think of another instance in today's sue-happy, wussified American society where someone can behave like I do when I cheer for the Panthers, and walk away without any repercussions. I conscientiously try to embody everything you'd hate to see in a fan of the team you're playing. I do this, because I can. I do this, because I can't anywhere else.


Which brings us to this weekend. A quick drive across the desert and we found ourselves at the Days Inn in Tempe, which just so happened to be where one of college football's remaining unbeaten teams was playing a PAC-10 match up. The bars were swell (Full disclosure: I over-ate at the first bar, cabbed it home early, was found sleeping with alarm clock going off inches from my face. I subsequently discovered the single worst food to vomit up six hours after eating. Hint: It's spinach artichoke dip.) and we discovered how sociable a fake mullet can be.



After some intense tailgating we headed to our seats. There was a guy in a Steve Smith jersey two rows in front of us.

t-shirt says LOVE TO HIT PEOPLE.
I can think of one I'd "hit" it with.
His mom.
He was surrounded by Cardinal friends and seemed genuinely embarrassed to be seated so close to the HAIRolina Panther fans.

We set about antagonizing everyone around us, but no one more than Superfan. Superfan was a portly, jovial, proud Cardinal fan across the aisle from us. Throughout the boring first half he continuously demanded we "Get out of [his] house!" and to "Get out!" and to "Get out!" That's not a typo, he had his trash talk and he was sticking to it. He piped down once I pointed out that up until two years ago he was homeless, crashing on his college roomie's couch. Cardinals fans are rather milquetoast in their support of the team and we heard A-S-U chants on our way to the seats.

The second half was much more exciting. The punt that phantomly touched a Panther. The fumble challenge. The bomb...Oh the bomb. When O.J. unleashed hell the four of us stood up immediately. We'd seen this time and time again. The backstory is effing awesome, so I'm just gonna repost it here:

"During the week, Smith had told him, "Don't worry about overthrowing me. You can't overthrow me...

"Oh no!" he said to himself after launching the ball toward Smith. "I overthrew him."

He didn't. "For some reason, the corner on that side stopped, or slowed down," said [Old Jesus]. Smith pushed into an extra gear, caught up to the ball, and brought it down for a 65-yard touchdown.

"See?" Smith told him on the sidelines. "You can't overthrow me."

I walked down four rows, patted Superfan on the shoulder, and thanked him for coming out. I reminded him that there were four quarters in a game, and advised he tell his coaching staff the same.

Then came the best part of the whole day: an autumn-of-their-years couple sat in front of us. They chose to stay right there, right the lion's den, despite tens of empty seats in nearby sectinos. As they shuffled past, the doddering old gal turned to us and said with a great amount of conviction: "You've made this entire experience miserable." Why don't I feel bad about this? This broad and her husband did fucking crossword puzzles the entire game. The football being played with about ninth on their list of priorities, and in a stadium of empty seats, they had every reason and chance to upgrade. There's a part of me that feels bad, but if you attend a football game, you gotta deal with the consequences.

The Consequences

Long story long, Old Jesus has come to save us all. He looked like a young Vinny Testaverde. Pass protection was amazing, I technically witnessed history, and Julius Peppers finally made my jersey legit. We even got to break out the old school "DRIVE-home, SAFE-ly" chant, a classic. The Gang stopped at Cracker Barrel across the street for some sweet tea and vittles, then aimed the Honda back towards LA. All in all we made a lot of friends and a lot of enemies in Phoenix, but we can make it up to the town, when we're back in February. Old Jesus will take us to the promiseland. Of that I'm certain.

See you in February.



Brethren: There's simply no way my Panthers watching experience for Week 6 was anywhere near as fun or blog-worthy as Nacho's (and Canuck's), but here are my patented bulleted thoughts:

- I was en route back from FantasyLand (at UVA for a ridiculous Homecoming weekend; side note about UVA Football: they're not good. They might win football games, but I still refuse to believe they're good). Therefore, I missed my usual bar trip in New York.

- Instead, I caught the second half of the Panthers-Cards game at a Hooters in Chinatown in D.C. I haven't been to a Hooters in at least eight-to-ten years, but I will tell you one thing: the Hooters in Chinatown D.C. have remarkably different "talent" than the Charlotte/South Blvd. Hooters.

- With that said, I def think (and Adam, Malick, Mo and JLew agreed with me) that the waitress wanted me. Ok, so maybe she might have been a bit of an Amazon (tall, broad shoulders, an ass that did not look great in those booty shorts), and she may have naturally weighed a bit more than me, and was named Maureen, but she def wanted me. We had some serious eye-sexual-relations, she sat down in the chair next to me, she batted her eyes and flirted, she (wanted to) rub my leg! I was seriously considering asking her if she wanted to follow me to the bathroom in exchange for the last two bites of my BBQ sandwich.

- I didn't.

- Oh, this is a football blog? Well, shit. What else can we say? As my buddy Steve texted me, "the one thing you don't do at 43 is make mistakes." Vinny T! Peter King called it the Story of the Year and has the Cats at 9 in his Power Poll. Vinny T!

- Since I wasn't able to watch the game on digital cable in D.C., I had to follow the first half online and text Canuck and Nacho at the game. I texted Canuck, "Who started at QB? How's it going? I'm in tha dark here, Charlie!" His response: "Thd tegte." Drunken text brilliance, Canuck.

- I sat next to ma boy JLew at the Hooters, and the only time a big play happened was when one of us wasn't watching the game. Good thing for us, we were at a Hooters and had some chicken wangs in front of us. On a related note, the Panthers won 25-10.

Ed's note: we're doing a guest spot over at JuicedSports and it should be up in a day or so, so peep that.

The Jump

Vinny Vidi Vici

Brethren: How many greasy-haired quarterbacks can one team get?

Apparently one more.

I mean, at this point, why not? Why can't a 43 year-old journeyman QB take us to the Promised Land? Because that's way too old you say? Well screw that. JFK was the President of the MothaFuckin United States at 43. Vinny can take us to the Super Bowl, then take his grandkids to Disney World.

Nacho's the good one at making jokes and posting funny pictures, so I'll let him have at it once he comes to on the Left Coast.



Brethren: So maybe that argument doesn't hold up. I tried.

Nacho: I once read a blogpost about Real Life Level Bosses which took a humorous spin on the things and people one had to best in order to complete a videogame level. (Think King Koopa.) Today I feel like Jimmy effing Woods! I completed close to 1400 text messages while driving through LA traffic! Go safety!

Before you get all indignant, lets try to keep some perspective here: Last year our back up was Chris Weinke. Now we've got a former number one pick and the only man to complete a TD pass in thirty-six consecutive seasons?!?! [Ed.'s note: this marks the first time ever that a team has two quarterbacks on its roster that were selected No. 1 overall.] Sign me the fuck up! This season couldn't be going better for the Cardiac Catz and it's only gonna get better. The sky's the limit.

Yesterday I was downtrodden that I wouldn't see Vinny, now I'm on cloud nine.

I feel like it's a.....NEW GAME!



one last note: This kinda feels like the equivalent of Pam Anderson marrying the guy from the Paris Hilton video. I mean, why shouldn't the Panthers sign Vinny?

The Jump