In Sounds From Way Out: Pirates and Pirate Hookers

Occasionally we'll weigh in on issues involving people and places we have no real connection to, other than we wanna talk about them.

Today's topic: Pirates and Pirate Hookers.

Brethren: No

I won't believe it.

Mental Floss, Maggie Koerth, CNN.com: You listen here and you listen good. I don't care none for your Chinese myths and your sullying of the good names that feared Pirate Dudes have had for all eternity.

There just ain't no way a woman was the most feared/most awesome/best Pirate on the seas. None.

You see, I know me some pirates.

I've dressed as them for Halloween.

Note: That may not actually be Brethren.


More ruminations and diatribes, after



Brethren, cont'd:

I've sailed the seas of the Caribbean with 12 other drunken pirate/sailors for a week under the good Pirate flag. That same flag now acts as the main decor in the living room of my Manhattan apartment.

Note: SB'07. Yarrrrr.

I've made a pilgrimage to the North American Mecca of Pirates: Gasparilla.

Note: Multicultural yarrr. GFR: Gaspa-Fuckin-Rilla.


I've seen The Lost Colony several times.

Ok, so that might be about Injuns and the White Man, but the last time I saw this show, I was 8, and I'm pretty sure Pirates and Injuns were one and the same kind of awesome back then.



So I'm pretty sure I've made myself clear: I know pirates. And yes, there could have been some Pirate Hookers back in the day who helped the Cause and were useful on a pirate ship. But I don't care how "ahead of her time" or "exemplary" her "business practices"* were: She couldn't be more badass than Henry Morgan, the guy who used Jesuits as human shields when attacking. She couldn't have been meaner than Blackbeard, the pirate so fearsome that Alex Spotswood (!) needed him dead.

(above): The Alex Spotswood I know.

And there's no way she could have gone against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

No. No. NO. I just won't have it. Pirate Hookers are useful. Chicks that dress up like Pirates can be hot. But the most successful pirate in HISTORY being a dudette??? Not happening. Not in the Sports Brethren book. Not anywhere.


(* Except for that rule about ugly chicks being thrown off the ship. I liked that one. Bravo, Cheng I Sao.)

Nacho: I sent Brethren that article cuz I knew it would light a fire under him like Zeus. As far as pirates go, I have the 1991-2 Pittsburgh Pirates team card framed mosaic; it's the one with Skinny Barry. Aside from that, a healthy portion of my hard-earned money goes to the rum industry, specifically the Mo, (when you know him as I do, the Cap'n is on a nickname basis.) Anyway, I'd just like to say that if pirates, pirate hookers, or just traveling across an ocean is your thang, check out this huge effing ship.