Get Me Ookie

Nacho: Well, it looks like the Hobbling Jesus is gonna sit this one out and we're sending in the Hair against the Titans on Sunday. This reminded me of an oddity on Yahoo's waiver wire. It seems that Michael Vick is ranking better than the Hair, and quite a few other QBs as well:



Seriously? Someone get David Carr a bucket of kittens.? How dare Yahoo disgrace the Sex Cannon like so? Something tells me Vick's gonna be a on bye week for a while longer.

Brethren's thoughts on this weekend's game, after...


Brethren: It's Week 9 of the NFL season, and you would think my liver knows what's coming come Sunday, as the Panthers try to stay perfect on the road against the Titans. I can kinda feel it quiver and twinge a little every now and again during the week in fear/anticipation of an NFL Sunday. But I mean, really, those pitchers aren't drinking themselves. To the games:

- The Hair will have to answer a lot of questions this weekend, such as: Do you know who Steve Smith is? (Doubtful) Can you look more like a girl? (Doubtful) Can you win as a Panthers QB looking like a girl and only throwing to Jeff King? (Again, doubtful)

- As you can see, the Carolina faithful do not have much faith in The Hair. Please prove us wrong, pretty boy.

- I usually look at the lines for every game when trying to choose my Survival Pool pick during the week and I tend to gravitate towards the highest lines (after all, Vegas tends to know what they're doing). This week, not one line really stands out to me (I've already used Pittsburgh and A Whale's Vagina, so their high lines don't count). Methinks one or more of the remaining 12 of us will not make it out of the weekend.

- Who's New England got this week?

- An epic ACC battle awaits us at 12 noon on Saturday: The Deamon Deacons and their coach with the last name that is not far off from the last night of our coach come to Charlottesville to try to impose their brand of football upon the Wahoos. If I know anything about Chris Long, he won't have any of that.

- Then again, Mike Groh is involved, so who knows if we can overcome our own Offensive Coordinator.

- And of course, Bobcats basketball starts Friday! Bring on the Chairman and the Bucks. Onward to the playoffs, boys!

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Better Know A Beaver

Nacho: Word just came down the pipeline that Cardinals fans and Panther fans have a little something in common. It seems neither team's Week 1 starting QB felt much like finishing out the season. Luckily for the Cards, Tim "TIMMEH!" Rattay is available.

Personally, this won't detract in the least bit from my enjoyment of this weekend's matchup, but I will admit I was kinda hoping to see Vinny T under center. That woulda been cool.

As for the Panthers, I've got my life preserver on, and I want only one man commanding this lifeboat: King Beav Matt Moore. Our mancrush expands, after..



Nacho cont'd: The scariest part of watching David Carr play--besides those insufferable gloves; I have it on good authority he likes to pretend he's Mickey Mouse-- is his interminable loitering in the pocket. The long and the short of it is, David Carr simply isn't a good quarterback.

I may be nothing more than an unfrozen caveman football fan, but I know that David Carr couldn't defuse a bomb if there was only one wire to cut...

Which is why I'd like to officially throw my support behind someone younger than me. The only other time this has happened, it resulted in a funny O face in a newspaper. Sorry Miley, but my lust for youth has been transferred onto the capable shoulders of Matt Moore, third-string extraordinaire.

Not much is known of this shadowy figure. He stands 6'4", and I'm apt to admire that, because, see, a Great American Hero & personal savior of mine, once stood that tall...and kilt fiddy men. Fun Fact: Moore was drafted by the Los Angeles Angels of GotSwept back in 2004 in the 22nd round. Wow. 22nd round. That's a long wait.

Luckily for us, Matt spurned that pastoral sport, and gained the starting QB spot for the Oregon State Beaves. During his tenure he completed 183 passes without a interception. I'm fairly certain David Carr once went an entire series of downs without an interception, but I'd have to check some facts first.

Anyway, I just wanted to welcome Matt Moore onto the SportsBrethren's radar. You join the ranks of Ryan Kalil. Perhaps on a team bus, you two can discuss which SportsBrethren's dreamier (hint: the bearded one).

While watching "In The Line Of Fire" I got an idea of how to take out Carr without getting caught by pesky metal detectors.* That oughta leave a smirk on Matt's face...

Am I crazy, or does he look a lot like
the guy from "Life on a Stick"?

Brethren: While I'm certainly a bit more than concerned now that my fiery Cajun's on the IR and I'm not exactly thrilled by the prospect of being led by The Hair, I can't jump wholeheartedly on the Matt Moore Bandwagon, as driven by Nacho, just yet.

Nacho did have a Dark Ages as a Panthers fan, so I can forgive him for not remembering the likes of Dameyune Craig, Randy Fasani, Rod Rutherford, Jeff Lewis, and Stefan LeFors -- all third-string QBs who showed "promise" and we're always popular because they weren't Chris Weineke, Jake Delhomme, or Steve Beuerlein. Fasani and Craig I particularly remember as the two who everybody loved for their preseason lore, but couldn't do anything if ever given a chance in the regular season.

And seeing as I hate the Pac-10, I don't really know if I can load onto the Matt Moore Bandwagon just yet. I'm willing to give The Hair a chance for the next couple of weeks. I still have high hopes for the season; this team showed some guts this past week. Ugly guts, but guts nonetheless.



AWESOME UPDATE: The SportsCousin, Treyseph, and I got into a debate about whether or not Tuesday Morning QuarterBack is good or not. The end result was that it good, just no good for office crowd. Too long. Anyway, here's the awesome part, as glommed from TMQ,

"Jaws Note: With Jake Delhomme and David Carr hurt, undrafted rookie quarterback Matt Moore made a brief appearance for the Panthers. On draft day in April, Ron Jaworski said Moore was the best quarterback prospect after JaMarcus Russell, Brady Quinn and Trent Edwards. All NFL general managers ignored Jaws' advice, yet now there has been a Matt Moore sighting. And speaking of JaMarcus Russell and Brady Quinn, are they in the NFL."

Additional Update: Fellow Charlottean Mel asks, "What's Chris Leak up to?" About five foot ten. ZING!




*Ed's note: we're not really planning on killing David Carr this weekend. We wouldn't want to mess up his hair.
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Most Likely To Make Me Wanna Hurt Myself

Nacho: Ladies and gentlemen, The Hair will be our starting quarterback for the indefinite future.

A well-placed blowdart in Phoenix might be in order.

I want Matt Moore, more than ever.

Fuck, at this point, I'd rather have Darcy Maeda under center:


David Carr: twice as chin-touchy, half as tough.

Why hath god forsaken us?

Brethren: What's Rodney Peete up to?

While I'm only half-kidding about Rodney Peete, we do have to do something. Yes, Carr toughed out the win this week, but I just don't see him being the answer right now. I hope as the season progresses,and we wear the white jerseys less and the black ones more, the cooler looking black gloves he uses will translate into more success. It is a high hope indeed.

Ed. Note: Thanks to my boy Gideon for the tip on the breaking news.

Ed. Note part deux: Both Nacho and Brethren were also named as "Most Likely to Become Famous" as seniors in high school. So we and David Carr got that going for us.

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Week 5: The Cardiac Cats Iz Back

Brethren: Good Lord, that was a roller coaster. I haven't felt that much hate and love towards the same thing since I paid real money to go see "3000 Miles to Graceland."

The Cats won a thriller of two (not very good) NFC South teams. They did so in incredibly inept, yet amazing, fashion. There were back-killing penalties, back-killing interceptions, and (literally) back-killing injuries. But in the end, Steve Smith would not be denied and he carried the Cats to a win that is very reminiscent of the road win over Tampa that jump started the 2003 Super Bowl season.

Hey, a guy can dream right?



Brethren (cont'd): My patented bulleted thoughts on today's Saint-Panthers game:

- After that Julius Peppers blocked field goal, I really felt like a battered girlfriend coming back for more. I mean, here we were, giving up a drive that featured a fake punt, the Saints converting a fourth and three just outside of field goal range, and the Panthers giving up 847395792357 yards on penalties. I'm angry, sending hateful text messages to everyone from Nacho to Mammy to JLew. And as I begin to accept the fact that we're gonna go down 16-6, here comes Pep, awaking from his slumber to provide the Mr. Mo game-changing play. The bruises means he loves me, ok?!

- Did anyone else see how fired up John Fox got during the second half? Yes, it was probably out of desperation, but it's good to know he cares.

- While winning the game is obviously most important, this team still scares the shit out of me. After the Gators losing a game where they were winning for 58:51 minutes and the Panthers providing this roller coaster of an afternoon, I think I need a weekend from my weekend. Or at least get me back to the office, where I can calmly schedule some meetings, discuss FY09 Pillsbury planning, and report on the success of myfruitrollups.com. Jeebus.

- Matt Moore! Welcome to the Show, big guy.

- I miss Jake. I hope the fiery Cajun's up and running soon. I miss his musk.

- New bartender (to me) at the bar today: very attractive. She also did the bartender thing, making me think she was a lot more interested in me than she actually was. Fake love, but what this guy needed.

- After the Saints missed their long FG that could have potentially taken the lead in the fourth quarter, I screamed, "Fuck yea!" manically at the TV, as I am wont to do. The guy sitting at the bar next to me laughed, repeated what I said in some sort of mock-Brethren-voice, and thought I didn't hear him. Well fuck you, boring Steelers fan who gets to watch their team win 21-0. The Panthers eek out road wins against winless opponents and give me an ulcer in the process. That's how the Cardiac Cats roll, bitches. On to the Pink Taco!

Nacho: I was rather forlorn and calm throughout the majority of the game. Ricky provided a lot of yelling, I supplied Katrina similes. I'm classy like that. It was an ugly game played by ugly teams, neither of which look like they deserve to go to the post-season. Anyway, here's my re-cap:

- As I plop down in front of the finest tv Big Wangs has to offer, I receive a hearty slap on the shoulder. (How often do you experience anything in your everyday life that could be described as "hearty"? I thought so.) Turns out a waitress went to school with Julius Peppers and Alge Crumpler and was good friends with both. She admired my Peppers jersey. I admired her....pluck. She wasn't our waitress, but she did dole out high-fives at appropriate times.

- David Carr should be our Johnathan Papelbon. We need to keep him in the locker room, as far from the playing field as possible...until the fourth quarter. Today was Carr's eleventh career 4th quarter comeback win. I honestly didn't think David Carr had won 10 games in his entire career.

- As angry as he makes me, coddamn do I love David Carr's hair. I would not be in the least surprise to learn his favorite movie is Pulp Ficiton. Just fan-fucking-tastic hair, there, buddy.

- If Jake can't go by next week*, I want Matt Moore to start.

(Matt Moore pictured at right.)

















* = Jake will start next week. He knows who will be watching. Jake doesn't like to disappoint his diehards.
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The Patron Saint of SportsBrethren

Nacho: We didn't know we were looking for someone whom we could connect with on a visceral, kinetic level. We weren't searching for our patron saint. We never intended to fall in love.

But we did.

Hollywood Ryan Kalil is just that special.

Through his funny, insightful "diary" Ryan's quickly become our favorite Panther. Brethren will guide you through the highlights of his blog, while I'll toss turpentine on the fires of your Mantasies, after



Brethren: See Mr. Hollywood there?

He's the one next to Will Ferrell.

Bada bing!

Rookie center Ryan Kalil seems to be quite the addition to our good team, the O-line, and the blogging world. He calls his blog for Panthers.com a "diary," but we all know what he's really doing. He's trying to become the Gilbert Arenas of Charlotte. We see you, Hollywood. And we like what we're seeing.

So as the Cats hit the road tonight in Philadelphia, attempting to get Sweet Win #17 out of the last 19 preseason games, here are some of the solid gold nuggets that Mr. Kalil is offering up on these here interwebs:

On how David Carr really has grown a thick skin after that stint in Houston:

As I was sitting on the sidelines late in the game with David Carr, this Giants fan was yelling some pretty vulgar stuff at David about his days in Houston. David just smiled and after a little while he turned around and said, ‘Oh come on, let’s be honest. I have way better hair than you do.’

One more reason Carr has been growing on me: I love a guy that has an unreal sense of cockiness about a very random part of themselves. The name Dan Walters and his blonde hair comes to mind. Odd.

On good, clean, self-indulgent bragging:

I decided to pull out a deck of cards and taught David how to play gin, a game I just learned how to play yet have become very dominant in. Being the smart guy that he is, he picked it up in about a minute and before I knew it he was whipping my butt. So that kind to stunk, because I had a nice run against Geoff Hangartner and Brett Basanez. I destroyed Basanez, by the way.

Take that, you 3rd string Northwestern QB!

On knowing the pecking order as a Rook:

The offensive line was a little disappointed. Because of my Hollywoodness, they were expecting something a little snazzier like what I had at first. To them I apologize. I did not mean to let them down by not living up to my Hollywood nickname. In the future I will never let that happen again.

Damn straight you won't, goat.

Nacho: As I write this, the Panthers pass defense, a sore subject, considering our lack of action, just gave up a long bomb to Donovan McNabb's bionic leg. This angers me greatly. What keeps me from flipping over my desk in a bloodthirsty rampage? Hollywood Ryan Kalil.

The man has proven himself quite adept when it comes to comedy, but scouring the ebays led me to some fun facts. Such as:

- He's a crooner who sings Frank Sinatra songs in the locker room and huddle. (HT: this guy)

- The chances of his mom being a cougar are pretty high considering she was Miss California in 1981.

- Due to those smokin' hot momma genes, his sister Danielle is a Ford model, and also my future ex-wife.

- Ryan mentions in his blog how much he enjoys the little time he's been able to see his fiancee since he's been at camp. That's adorable, but you know what's more adorable? That he's marrying the girl that cheered for Texas when they scored the winning goal at the 2005 Rose Bowl. I was at that game, and it was a magical day, and thus I will not remark upon said Song Girl...

...except to say that she plays through pain:

Luckiest. Trainer. Evar.


It should also be noted that, according to the LA Times, Ryan proposed to his love "in an elaborate trick, staging a fake photo shoot at the LA Memorial Coliseum." This guy's a friggin' genius!

Ryan Kalil: we salute you and we, as SportsBrethren, will make it our goal to meet you, congratulate you on all your success, and buy you a drink. (Of course, the internets say you don't cotton to the hard stuff, so we'll make it a tall glass of sweet tea instead.)

Go CATS!
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