A Message From Daniel Plainview to Mikki Moore

Daniel Plainview: One night, I'm gonna come inside your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.

bitch.

The Jump

The B-E A-GG-R-E-SS-I-V-E Offseason Continues

Brethren: Looks to us brethren like Coach John Fox and GM Marty Hurney are serious about this "job being on the line" thing. After last season where they basically rolled the dice with the same team from the year before, and not doing much besides cutting Keyshawn Johnson and bringing in David Carr, the Panthers seem to be in overhaul mode.

In another major offseason move, the Panthers have cut starting RB DeShaun Foster. But just as I type this, how "major" is this move? While Foster joins former starters MLB Dan Morgan and OG Mike Wahle in the pink-slip reception line, I don't think any Panthers fan would look at those three starters and say, "You know what? We CANNOT live without those guys."

I would venture to say the "Holy Shit, we cannot do without him" list pretty much just includes Steve Smith, and maybe a previous version of Julius Peppers. I'd personally be pissed if we let Jake, Jon BeasTon, DeAngelo Williams, and maybe Ryan Kalil go, but the Holy Shit list pretty much only includes Steve Smith and a Pep we have in our memories.

That said, a more in-depth look at the Foster release and the Panthers offseason overhaul.

Brethren (cont'd): As ordinary as Foster numbers look when you sit back and actually examine them (he never rushed for over 1,000 yards in a season, he's had more fumbles than touchdowns, etc etc etc), he provided some of the most "my team is badass and we will crush you" moments outside of a man named Steve Smith.

The four-tackles-broken-at-the-goal-line against the Eagles in the 2004 NFC Championship game. The 30-plus yard TD run in the Super Bowl against the Cheaters that had the sweetest fly into the endzone, as pictured above the Jump. Those two TD runs are some of my favorites moments as a Panthers fan. I'm more than sure I told the rooms where I was watching that the Carolina Panthers -- and their fans -- behold the largest cocks on the block after seeing Foster so dramatically find the end zone.

At the end of the day, DeShaun Foster was probably best suited as a change of pace back, not the featured bruiser that Fox and Hurney crave. He never was able to stay healthy or produce consistently, and thus, a man we once franchised is now moving on. The Panthers continue their offseason overhaul, as the Fox/Hurney duo are finally getting the point that status quo never works in the NFL offseason.

The fun thing for us Cats fans is that, with each big move made, we'll be expecting another even bigger one next. What else ya got, Foxy and Hurney??

Nacho: Thanks to those awesome Mucinex commercials, I imagine all the mucus in my body to be a bunch of cantakerous grumpy construction workers. This does not make me feel better as I hack up a lung.

Not much to add because, to me, Foster's, oddly, not all interesting. In fact, that's kind of been our running game's identity under Fox. Our running game reminds me of a certain race of beings.

I remember the two-headed beast of Stephen Davis and DeShaun Foster chewing up yardage during the Improbable Season, but aside from that not much is there. There were times when he elated and energized us all, and probably more times when he frustrated us to no end.

So godspeed DeShaun. You never did much to make me hate you, and those two TDs Brethren talked about certainly had my ass out of the seat. I enjoyed it when we had two guys with the letters "De" at the beginning of their names, but wish we'd've run the wishbone option more.

Keep your phone on, though, those Cheaters are always interested in ex-Panthers.
The Jump

Welcome back, Dunk Contest

Brethren: Not often do I have a great time out drinking and come home and wished I had at least gotten in front of a TV to watch TNT.

But that's exactly what happened last night. I have spent the last 45 minutes on the interwebs, watching recaps of this here Dunk Contest thing. Dwight Howard's bounce, tip-with-the-left-hand-off-the-backboard, throw down with the right hand was my favorite. Second was Gerald Green's blowing out the cupcake. Skeets has his rundown over at Yahoo! and through the jump, I've found the whole telecast on YouTube. Spend the time. Watch these dunks. Enjoy the Kenny and Charles banter.

Ri-dunk-u-lous.

Brethren (cont'd): Here they are:
Part 1:


Part 2:


Part 3:



Also, a recap that I can't figure out how to embed found here, at NBA.com.
The Jump

Worldwide Leader Getting More Panthery

Nacho: With Brethren back on the east coast, we can resume to our regular blogging schedule. A quick note for all you readers out there: ESPN.com's coverage of the NFC South, and the Panthers in general, is going to be getting a lot more expansive. About a week ago the Worldwide Leader picked up the Charlotte Observer's Pat Yasinskas.

He's already tearing shit up and giving us lonely Cats fans more than enough fat to chew on as we look towards the abandoned tundra that is the offseason.

Brethren was more acquainted with the man's work so, his better-informed thoughts are after...

Brethren: To me, Pat was always the unsung Colonel of the Charlotte Observer sports staff (which I'm pretty sure makes Ken Tysiac a Staff Stargeant). He was the top beat writer for the Panthers and kept up a pretty good "blog" at Charlotte.com on the Cats, but he was overshadowed by the Generals of Tom Sorensen, Scott Fowler, and Commander-in-Chief Ron Green, Sr.

His old blog spot has been taken by a team of the immortal Stan Olson and the slick Chaz Chandler. But as Nacho is indicating, this is about more than the Observer Sports section losing a member of the rank. This is about our Carolina Panthers getting some lurvin by the MSM.

So while the Cats get lots of lurve on this here blog post, expect lots of "hey, you see DeShaun is being shopped around!" and "Travelle Warton could be moving to guard! What are we going to do with this plethora of interior offensive lineman?!" stories coming out urryone's favorite homepage from 2003.

As Nacho put it so eloquently yesterday, good for Pat, "getting called up to the Show." Godspeed, good sire, and don't forget to credit us if you "break" one of our stories.
The Jump

Canuck's Jersey Has Become Obsolete

Brethren: And with the first major move of the offseason, the Carolina Panthers have cut two former starters, LB Dan Morgan, he of the oft-concussed fame, and G Mike Wahle, a big splash free agent signing nary but a few years ago. Morgan is most famous for his 25-tackle Super Bowl performance; Wahle for his manly goatee and shaved head. Oh, and I know a few people who own Dan Morgan jerseys, so they can now have a hip "retro" uni in their collection.

From what I've read/seen, neither of the two were very surprised, and both had high praise for the Carolina organization. It was a cap move, pure and simple. With the emergence of Jon BeaSton at MLB, Morgan became expendable, and with talented rookie center/guard Ryan Kalil sitting on the bench, so did Wahle.

I think the great underlying observation that can be taken from this is that Dan Morgan and Mike Wahle represented how the Panthers liked to build their team under Fox/Hurney: Morgan, the speedy defensive leader, taken in the first round of the draft, and Wahle, the tough interior O-linesman, plucked from free agency.

And for the most part, that has worked. But ultimately, the cutting of Morgan and Wahle is somewhat of an admission that those two particular "big-time" acquisitions have failed. And that's a sad reality.

Ed note: The SportsBrethren haven't posted in a while, because they've been hanging out together (last weekend in Vegas, Sun-Wed of this week in LA). And the original plan for this blog was for us to stay in communication (about sports) while we lived on opposite ends of the country. So when we hang out, this here blog you love so much takes a backseat. Sorry.

Follow us for Nacho's thoughts on the Cats start to the offseason:

Nacho: Every aspect of the past five days has blurred and slurred itself into on crock pot of adventure, danger, hilarity and fun, so forgive me if I don't brin my A game...

I'm sorry to see Danny Boy and Wahl E ride off into the sunset, but it's for the best. This move, as Brethren explained, is merely a logical progression of the franchise. These are football players we're talking about here. They're career expectancy isn't necessarily endless. So while we bid adieu, we do so without regret, with eyes looking to the future, and with hope in our hearts.

I will say, that every time the name Dan Morgan is mentioned, I always think back to the concussed hockey player at the beginning of "Jerry Maguire." As in, it's a small accomplishment when ol' Dan remembers his family.

There's so many facets that need to be addressed this offseason, from rehabbing starters, to securing a stronger secondary, to maybe landing a big ol' Free Agent, and this move seems to be the start down the road to victory. If we can beat down some crazed Germans and crafty Japanese, surely the same moxie can push us to the top of the NFC South, right?


The Jump

Today In History: One Week Ago

Nacho: Ah, but to be back in those halcyon days, when the world was full of wonder and fecund with possibility. I'm talking, of course, about last Monday: January 28th, 2008. While the world of sports slogged through a needless bye week before the inevitable Patriots Super Bowl victory, we grappled for some other sport to step up to the plate. For me, that sport was basketball; namely, the Charlotte Bobcats taking on the Los Angeles Clippers.

My christmas present had been two seats, fifteen rows behind the Bobcats bench. I entertained a wild fantasy where I'd show up, dressed exactly like Adam Morrison (pictured above)and, since Sam Vincent's just a first year coach, I could slip onto the end of the bench. Vincent, in his inexperience, would confuse me with the REAL Adam Morrison, and BAM! the next thing you know, I'm jawing with Sam Cassell.

Alas, the 'Cats didn't quite follow the plan and showed up in the Orange unis:

I always associate orange with winners.

The rest of my adventure in the center of Staples, after...

Nacho: So we got to our seats, and I immediately started looking around for someone to slap. Turns out he was off daydreaming about a Dreamboat. Go figure.

There was no Penny Marshall sightings, but Billy Crystal was in the house. He ate popcorn a lot:

He sits with his legs crossed all night.

Since Billy was nice enough to come out to see my boys, I thought I'd send him a shout out.

Cool people will recognize my last four digits.

Although we were totally acknowledging one another every time out, Adam Morrison blew me off. Even at the end of the game, when we moved really close to the bench and a section of fans kept taunting me. Morrison, I'm giving you one more chance: March 28th, 2008. Lakers, Bobcats. You blow me off then, I burn your bobblehead and demand a trade. Sorry.

But this story has a happy ending: after Morrison stalked away, Jeff McInnis, a true Charlotte boy, tossed me his headband. Jeff McInnis is the coolest pro baller I've ever met.

That thing is extremely sweaty. Extremely.

Naturally, I DVR'ed the game, so we drove straight home and scanned forward to the end. I think this image speaks droves because the Bobcats have just won the game, and no one is more excited than I.

This West Coast road trip is gonna go GREAT!

All in all, it was a splendid night. I really wish Adam Morrison wasn't such a jerk and took a picture with me. Jeff McInnis is awesome; and the Bobcats are on a roll!

Well, tomorrow night's a big night so we're gonna do some drinking. Hope to see you out there.

The Jump

Pants Party! Pants Party! Pants Party!

Nacho: As it's Friday, I reckon I should dole out a little more info about the upcoming Primary Pants Party. I'm sure we've all been following along with the Frolicking Foibles of Fearless Leader, so I'd like to take a moment to discuss another aspect of the evening that you might not be aware of.

There will be Guitar Hero. There will be The Wheel of Booze. There Will Be Blood. But, in addition to all that, there will be Primary results. This Tuesday ain't just some run-of-the-mill, following-Monday-like-oh-so-many-sheep Tuesday. This is fucking Super Tuesday. So get out there, rock the vote, and afterwards, come watch as the field of presidential candidates dwindles ever further.

All your questions answered, after...

Nacho cont'd: Lets take some inquriries, shall we?

Scott W. (Clemson, SC): I'm a soccer fan, and as such, I was wondering where Will Leitch's book signing is going down in Los Angeles.

SportsBrethren: Good question, Scott, and sorry to hear about the whole soccer thing. Will's book signing and Masterpiece Theater will be happening on Tuesday, February 5th, at Book Soup, at 7pm. Need a map of Book Soup? We've got you covered.

John S. (Plano, TX): At this book signing, will there be punch and pie?

SB: We can neither confirm, nor deny, the existence of neither punch, nor pie, at the book signing.

Lindsay P. (Gastonia, NC): I love dentistry almost as I love getting crunk. The last time I got snockered in a book store, I ended up distributing the What Happening To My Body Book For Boys to a group of elementary students.

There's a twist at the end.

SB Well, Lindsay, while I didn't hear a question in there, I will state that there will be an after-party. This Post Signing Primary Pants Party is going down at Big Wangs Wings Sports Bar in Hollywood. Need a map to get you from Book Soup to Big Wangs? Here ya go:


View Larger Map

Big Wangs is located at 1562 N Cahuenga Blvd, 90028 a scant 3 miles from Book Soup. Just head east on Sunset, turn left when you see the Cinerama Dome and Amoeba Music and it's in the strip mall on the right, one block up.

Guido J. (Patagonia): Yes, but what time will all this madness be taking place?

SB: Fearless Leader ballparks it around 8:30pm, so come on down. We'll watch some primary results, pontificate on the future of our country, then rock out some Guitar Hero. If this shit ends up silly, like Huckabee/Edwards silly, we're gonna need to blow off some steam. Muse should suffice.

Tiny (Compton, CA): I hate words.

SB: Well, then here's an awesome video our friend Alexis made for her own Primary Party, that we will gladly show you:



Bambi (Reno, NV) Why won't you visit your child, Nacho? He's got your fucking eyes! Why won't you talk to us?! What have we done to deserve this?!

/slaps a ho

SB: You know what you did.

So there it is folks, all the news that's fit to print. If you'd like to pummel us for more information, feel free to just send us an email at: SportsBrethren@gmail.com. We'll be happy to take any questions, comments, or paternity tests, so long as your not a filthy whore from Reno.

Have a nice weekend, and enjoy the Super Bowl, urrbody.

Come for the politics,
stay for the videogames!
The Jump