How We Won the SEC

Nacho: There is an elite boys boarding school nestled in the valley beneath Look Out Mountain in Chattanooga, Tennessee. The school is named McCallie and, in addition to several other promeninent figures, they call Ted Turner one of their distinguished alumnus. It's a pretty swanky school and each year their host two-week-long Sports Camps. The camp was divided into two groups: the older kids (or ACC) and the younger kids (the SEC). The sports played their ranged from football to water polo to made-up sports like Flickerball.

Fair play was encouraged, but trickery was respected. Trickery, like the play executed in this clip:



A quick reminder as to why we love trick plays, after....




Will we ever see a better bowl game? I think not.

Brethren: I don't have much more to add, except this post does nothing if it doesn't validate our very first post on this blog: our mission statement. See that title? That's right, Great Brothers In Sports History. Well, McCallie Sports Camp reinforces that notion quite well.

See, they keep a Record Book at MSC, and after every game, they award an MVP and Sportsman of the Game for each team. At the end of the two weeks, the athlete with the most MVPs and Sportsman awards combined is awarded the coveted "Smith Award." The first brother team to ever both win the Smith Award?




That's right. Those two.

Beacons of athleticism at age 11 and in their mid20s.

Nacho: I'd forgotten we were the first brother team to accomplish that. Egads man, we're amazing. Women, take note: you should flock to us. The sooner you do so, the quicker mom quits harping about meeting 'a nice boy'. Tain't none nicer. We absolutely own the Nantahalla and Ocoee Rivers.
The Jump

Training Camp Hath Begun or My Kind of New Year

Brethren: And oh, don't it feel good.

For the first time since I've moved to the Big Apple not a scant seven weeks ago, I felt this morning like I was back in the North Kakkalak. I woke up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and spent 30 minutes devouring the Charlotte Observer's sports section -- albeit, online. Since 1995, I might not be able to remember all the stories of each individual training camp. But I can always remember the Saturday (usually in a car ride, headed to the Outer Banks) that training camp started. I can remember it because the grass always looked greener, the sun always shone brighter, life always seemed better. And it has happened again here today, boys and girls. Oh, yes, training camp is here. And the Panthers are -- once again -- the team that can change my outlook on life.

Join me in the glory that is the Carolina Panthers, following:

Gone is my anger from earlier in the week. I have let the jealousy and the temptation of the national Deadspin spotlight eek out of me, and with my devouring of the Panthers pages of the Observer and all things Panther on these here interwebs, well, I'm back to the old late July/beginning of August me.

The me who hates when Panthers fans put down Jake. The guy's got passion and swagger that didn't exist in the Carolina organization before he came. I will continue to love and follow that crazy ass Cajun.

The me who gets positively giddy every time he sees or reads anything regarding Steve Smith and Julius Peppers. My favorite football word is "tenacious" -- if I were creating a football player from scratch based only on adjectives, I would absolutely take "tenacious" as my number one pick. I've stopped counting how many times football people have referred to those two football giants as "tenacious" -- I truly believe we have a chance any given Sunday as long as we have those two gentlemen on the field.

The me who has to have the "ya know, I'm feeling excited" convo with my dad, preferably while at the beach, throwing a football. If I knew nothing about the concept of time or seasons or anything, I'm pretty sure once a year, I'd know exactly what time it was, based solely on that convo.

It's football time. It's Panthers time.

Fuck yea.

Nacho: Training camp this year kinda reminds me of that weird psuedo-season Fox aired during the summer for "The OC". They showed, like, three or four episodes, then took it off the air, like they do with every decent program, to make way for the least thrilling specatacle in sports: effing baseball playoffs.

Like I was saying, this year's training camp feels like those first few episodes of "the OC", before school started. John Beason's totally our Ryan, with his checkered past including some antics that would make certain Panther cheerleaders proud. Jake Delhomme is our Seth, cracking wise and relatively harmless, hopelessly pining for a Super Bowl ring, his very own Summer.

I bring this up not because because I've been on vacation all summer and watched the first season in reruns. It's because I truly believe in this team. Like the Bobcats, the Panthers did the best job they could in this year's draft, filling holes and addressing weaknesses. Some help in the defensive backfield still looms, but overall I'm as giddy as a school marm. These Cats have my dander up in much the same way Marissa's drinking habits did oh so many years ago.

Not unlike the Chinese, I celebrate a different sort of New Year's than you slaves to the Julian calendar: and my annual celebration just got started.

Welcome to the 2007-2008 Carolina Panthers' season, y'all.
The Jump

WTF? AGAIN? Shit

Brethren: I have had several people try to give me shit about the Sports Brethren not posting in nearly a whole long week. I don't know what Nacho's excuse is, but I had buddies from high school in town last weekend (JWho? JLew and Big Mike) and then last night, it was the Canuck's last night in town -- needlesstosay, there was a lot of drinking and getting beligerent that had to get done. But with so much going on in the sports world that is potentially infuriating -- Ookie and his dawgs, the mob finally getting under Stern's skin and Barry's quest for 756 -- there was only one thing going on in the World de Sports that really got me mad today.

Join me in angry rants, following:


Really? The guy who talked about effin' hockey?? We're subject to it again? Yet another Dave's Football Blog Deadspin Panthers preview?? How many Royal We's assholes did this guy lick in order to get the nod for the Panthers preview two years in a row!? FUCK!

Listen, Will, it's not that we don't like the guy -- us Panthers guys gotta stick together -- well, scratch that, Nacho likes the guy -- but I just DO NOT trust a dude from Durham to properly enlighten the good citizens of the Spin of Dead about just how tenacious and freaking awesome Steve Smith and Pep are, just how infuriating-yet-passionate Jake is, and just how many awesomely awesome fans balance the loves of their lives by both attending Mecca and yet also not forgetting to bring along the pit-crew-style headphones to catch the Race every Sunday. These things matter, Will. These things matter.

So while he at least didn't go into effin hockey, he went the safe route by tapping into the collective Panthers fans' psyche and thinking that this is anything new. Every Panther fan that doesn't actually know what to talk about, they love to skewer about how predictable Dan Henning had gotten, how many bad breaks the Panthers get, how "if it weren't for those injuries..." Yada yada yada. I hate hearing these arguments. If we were good enough, if we could play smart football, we wouldn't need these damn excuses. And if you can't grow a pair and express your simultaneous love and frustration with your football team, then I just don't like being a fan with you. So while I'm just as excited and giddy as your average awesome Panthers fan, I just can't stand the ones who bring us down by giving out excuses like Momma used to give out Cinnamon Rolls on Satriday morning. See, I like being a Panthers fan for the incredible sense of arrogance that comes along with that title. Now, I don't really know how we acquired this aura, but damn if I'm not giving it up. And I fucking hate fans who don't walk the Panther strut with some testes and some pride.

So as I walked back to my desk after a series of conference calls, bristling with anticipation for my 2:30 PM Deadspin refresh, you can imagine the horror, disdain and anger that entered my being as I saw the picture of Jake and Carr running together (looking Bojangles'-sexy). This was supposed to be our Deadspin preview. I emailed Nacho with a subject line that simply read "Dead to me" and I angrily put on my anger face and plotted my revenge.

DFB: the testament to prove who's more worthy of writing the Panthers Preview Aught-Eight has officially begun. Insert menacing growl and clever line here.

Now, if you'll excuse, I'm going to put on my TiVo to watch several episodes of Scrubs to take me to HappyScrubsLand. Fuck.

Nacho: My, but that was certainly passionate plea for a regime change. In the grand scheme of things this is comparable to that fight in the middle of each 'Rocky' movie, where Rocky loses. Brethren reminds me sometimes of a young Padua learner I took under my belt. He too was filled with passion and had uncontrollable emotions.

Here's the deal: we really wanted a shot at that preview because we both feel very strongly about our Panthers. We do feel that Dave's blog perhaps shouldn't be the #1 go to sports site for NC. Then again, who else was there? Well, that's where we come in. We'll put our noses to the grindstone, start putting up a few more posts, and all around improving our game.

I could be as insulted as Brethren, but I believe in the fundamental goodness of Will Leitch, and, after we've proven ourselves, he will reward us justly.

show me something
The Jump

In Sounds From Way Out: Brethren on the Dirty South

Occasionally we'll weigh in on issues involving people and places we have no real connection to, other than we wanna talk about them.

Today's topic: PacMan Jones & Michael Vick.

Nacho: Smells a little like hypocrisy that Goodell laid down the hammer on PacMan before anything'd gone down in the court of law, and yet is holding out for more info on Vick. Vick's crimes seem a tad more carnal, a little more incomprehensible, and the gut reactions inevitably tend towards the worst case scenarios a little easier. I find I'm thinking more about this whole shebang's impact will have on the NFC South and whether or not Athur Blank regrets shipping out Schaub.


Always had a soft spot for Matt, felt he was the only QB trying to run an offense in Atlanta. This'll either inspire a wonder year for Vick, or he'll be bogged down in so many legal proceedings Joey Harrington will get to have his "Paul Blake" year.

Full synopsis, desde de



Either way, the Falcons could end up as bad as the Bucs, which really won't matter cuz the Cats and the Saints are going to be battling for the NFC championship all year.

I can has stripper?

As for PacMan, he does seem to have been given the short shrift with his handling, but it's rather disturbing we had to have Ookie electrocute a dog for us to feel that way. PacMan's gotta be feeling pretty good; his people can spin him as "hey-at-least-I'm-not-Ookie" Man. Obviously his absence really puts a hurtin' on the Titans defensive backfield, but Vince has a few more years before he's got them Super Bowl ready. This is a big hit, but who knows, they're already letting him practice with the team, so your guess is as good as mine.

Brethren: See, I can kinda agree with the Big Brother Goodell. PacMan's been arrested five times and been involved in 10 allegations since he entered the NFL. That's not good for any business trying to build a community-image. Which is not necessarily what the NFL is all about; but it can't be good when the team Pacman play(ed) for lives in Nashvegas. I know folks from the Vegas, and they don't take too kind to them sorts of behavior.

As for Ookie, I mean, pret-tay pret-tay sick. Not giving the Bad Newz a good name. But who are we kidding, Newport News, VA, never had a dece name, let alone a good one. And if the Commish hasn't come down on him so hard yet and wants to live behind the "legal justice" thing, then I suppose I can see why. The whole "hypocripsy" argument is really in-one-ear-out-the-other when it comes with dealing with public figures these days.

Don't have much funny to add, especially because the one buddy I know who has hung out with Ookie -- even played PS2 with him! -- hasn't come forward with any tales of Vick back in the day wrasslin his dogs.

What I can say is I just got back from seeing Demetri Martin at the UCB Theatre SummerStage show in Central Park, and that sir is much funnier than myself, so I'll end with his material (paraphrased if not exactly correct):

"I used to follow sports. But I was disappointed because I was always more interested in seeing the two animals fight than the teams that took their names play. Colts vs. Bears? Yes! Wizards vs. Heat? Sweet! Magic vs. Jazz? I dunno, that sounds a little gay to me."

And the one he ended with:
"I always get frustrated by Asian twins. So you two do look alike?"

-- Nacho Friendly and Brethren

The Jump

Lies, Damn Lies, and Pre-Season Rankings

What a difference an online article makes. A scant week or so ago I found myself in a tizzy. The Panthers were expected to do well. Historically, the Cats don't do well when we're supposed to. Drinking the Kool-Aid last summer, SI picked Carolina to meet the Dolphins the Miami, and we all know how that ended up.

Sweat pours, my vision gets bleary, and I'm seeing visions of Jake Delhomme tossing a ball off his back foot on the final drive before the 2-minute warning in the 4th of a close game; another loss snatched from the jaws of victory. Then, something magical happened:

Peter King, you glorious bastard, totally doesn't read the tea leaves, can't see what's plain in front of his face, and drops the Cats at 16th. A daring guestimate for a team that ended 8-8 last year, really Peter, I hope you don't take risks like that in your every day life, you've got a family to think about.

Click on that thar lil thang whut says "The Jump" below this sentence to read the rest!


A calm washes over me. Peter King doesn't think much of the Panthers, perhaps others will hop on his bandwagon. ESPN & Vegas think we've got a pretty good chance, but surely beat writers in small markets will want to ride the King's coat-tails, in hopes he'll shine some of his majesty upon them. Alls I'm sayin' is, I feel much better when people doubt the Panthers, they seem to take it personally, kinda like how you probably just shouldn't talk trash to Steve Smith before a game. --Nacho Friendly

Brethren:
I tend to agree with my brethren, Nacho, here. The Cats -- historically -- seem to play better when the masses don't keep an eye on 'em. However, if you drink the Cats Kool-Aid, like Nacho and I do, you find yourself often wondering why such is the case...especially when you consider how much Coach John Fox loves to preach the "it is what it is" philosophy on football. If that were the truly the case, and everything was what it was, then no Panther would believe in such silly JULY 16TH (!!!!) postings about how teams will fare come February Aught Eight.

So I, myself, don't take too much stock in any preseason ranking, no matter t'were it Peter King nor Nostradamus himself sayin the Panthers were 1st, 16th, or 32nd in the NFL come this season.

What I do like is that the NFL is nearly here.

To paraphrase Tombstone, a movie about relatives of Nacho and mine's:
"You tell 'em the Panthers are comin'....And hell's comin' with 'em!"

(yes, we're related to Wyatt Earp and yes, we're your huckleberries.) The Jump

The ESPYs Liveblog

Due to the time difference, I was able to catch all of the ESPYs without missing a moment of Johnny Drama buggin' out. Here are the emails I sent to Brethren.

- This is twice now that the big summer events for ESPN have
suffered by ESPN forgetting that their primary programming during the
summer is baseball. It happened with Bronx is Burning after the Home Run
Derby ran long, and we're about 5-10 mins late on their own awards
show.

- 5-7 minute video montage that reminds me that despite all the
bitching and moaning of the blogosphere, even after the
inispid/insulting drivel ESPN churns out, the actual sports this year
were pretty heart-warming. Namely, Boise-ites.

- LeBron enters and reminds me of Eddie Murphy in that really opulent,
Egyptian-themed Michael Jackson video. This will be the first of what
I assume will be several allusions to the mid-90s because something
tells me LeBron wasn't allowed to watch tv until he made 1000 free
throws every night, and only began to routinely do that during the
mid-90s.

- First ESPY goes to...Devin Hester. Odds on whether or not Mister
Hester will be available for signings and photographs at local Chicago
Chevy Dealers at this time next year, 4:1.

- Ever hear of this Valvoline guy? Changed the oil lube industry with
a speech in a tux.

- Tonight the role of Christopher Lloyd's Uncle Fester from the "Addams Family" movies will be played by Jerry Tarkanian in a shower.

If you're feeling saucy, join us, after...



- I was hammered the night of LeBron's 48 points, so every time I see highlights from it, I giddily discover something I'd missed.

- LeBron dunks a baby.

- It's a shame Talladegga Nights is gonna lose to We Are Marshall, it's kind of a magical movie experience. I grew up surrounded by future Cal Naughton Jr.'s....WOW. I kind of have more respect for the ESPN voters than I do AMPAS. Huh....Didn't see that coming.

- Christian Slater's there.

- I've figured it out, the PA girl is Tara Reid. And she's been drinking.


- I'll say this and only this about the Claymation Friends/Real World show: I anxiously await the YouTube parodies.

- I solemnly swear I will never cheer for anything from Boise as hard as I am cheering for them to win Best Game. Ah, that felt good.

- Valvano tribute/award. Is Pat Summit hinting at a post-college-coach
career in Cougardom? North Carolina comes out swinging with the best
human interest sports story of the year. Somewhere, J-Mac, scowls and
swears vengeance.

- I like to imagine that there's a guy in the ESPN truck outside whose chomping on a cigar and demanding more reaction shots from Robert Horry. It's gold I tell ya! GOLD!

- We're about an hour in and we haven't seen a single image of hockey since the opening montage.

- How does LaDanian Tomlinson get away with not wearing a jacket?

- It's funny to think T.O. kinda/sorta should be dead, but instead he's seated next to a twelve-year-old white kid at the ESPYs.

- I feel this will be the year I won't fear the Best Female Athlete winner...Candace Parker looks about two-seconds away from pulling out that blond chick's hair.

- The Under Armour Eagles team defied the Laws of Camel Toeing.

- Christian Slater narrates the Irish And 1 Tourney video. Skip-To-My-Loo Sullivan nowhere to be found.

- And now...the much hyped LeBron-as-Bobby-Brown musical number. If this is what we can expect from his new CD, I'll stick to my old Shaq Fu albums, thank you very much.

- Peyton Manning is much better versed in the art of not-looking-in-the-camera when they cut to you clapping.

- Best Play ESPY is up now. I'm going for Frost/Nixon. Take that Frank
Langhella, Boise State pwns your ass.

- I hope they do an episode of "Underaged & Engaged" featuring the
Boise State running back.

- Shaq pimpwalks out, makes an Oden joke. Presents the LifeTime TV For Women Award. New Orleans wins, I hope Derek Fisher's daughter isn't watching. Personally, I woulda gone with Tiger; something about the familial ties, kinda like how the first season of 24 is exponentially better than any subsequent seasons.

- Oh Berman, you slay me, you really do...no no, there's two O's in Goose.

- Are we sure Tony Dungy isn't related to the marching band teacher/conductor from Dave Chappelle's Block Party?

- ESPN perpetuates the continued yoking of Freddy Adu. Jeebus, when will America realize the best soccer player in the US isn't Biritsh, he's not Landon, he's Freddy Adu.

- Kelly Clarkson looks famished.

- Is there a more disturbing commercial than the kids 12 and under football team getting overly-hyped about Under Armour? I'm fairly certain at some point in my life, I'm going to run afoul of one of those kids, and it will not end well.

- I sincerely hope Luke Wilson gets nominated for his turn in The Great One: the Wayne Gretzky story, directed by Milos Forman.

- Best Male Athlete: I've been swayed into the Federer camp. He's just
plain nasty, and he's the only current athlete whom, when you watch
him play, you think to yourself, that's exactly what I'd do if I were
playing this as a videogame. Plus, the dude lives in Dubai, and that's
just plain badass...and the winner is: LaDanian...or as ESPN calls
him, the one that showed up. (Tiger and Federer have much better
things to do with their time. Like, say, world domination.)

- Maggie Q can't wait to get drunk.

- Nice to see the girls who used to be the Juggies on the Man Show got
some work during the final dance number.

- Apparently, that's it. I guess it's difficult to determine which
category has enough gravitas to be deemed the Final award of the
evening, but, I mean, whatever. One thing's for certain, I ain't
watching Stu Scott to save your life.

Time to drink.
The Jump

The Ultimate Carolina Pro Hoops Draft, Round 2

Well, we're back, boys and girls. While the first round brought us great joy in establishing the five Horn/cats we want on the court at tip-off, we all know role players and bench warmers are where quality entertainment comes from. Without further ado...

Brethren:
13. Emeka Okafor, PF/C - While Mek is a solid starter for the Bobcats -- averaged a double double last year -- I think he can be effective coming off the bench because he's one of those players that can play two positions. Bench guys are like that. And I'm sure I'll be nice enough to let him compete in practice for Hermann's starting role.

Nacho:
I enjoy Emeka's embracing of his own goofiness, but I feel compelled to like him because he's a big name on the Bobcats, not because he's done anything to really make me want to like him. No offense.

14. George Zidek, C - You take your foreigner big-man, I'll take mine. The mental image of Robert Parrish posting up Zidek just tickles me pink, and I can't remember a last name that didn't inspire so many "witty" pronunciations amongst the monied folk of the courtside seats. Good times, good times.

Brethren:
Your sixth man is George Zidek? Start taking this seriously, Cloud.

15. Michael Adams, PG/SG - Adams gets the nod due to his uncanny ability from deep on Sega's NBA Live '98 or something. He had like a 97% from three-point land. It was unreal; he's the only videogame entity that could even compare to Tim Legler (for reasons passing understanding). And, in real life, his shot was one of the ugliest ducklings you ever laid eyes on. If Muggsy can't cut it and needs a break, I'll gladly take Michael Adams.

Brethren:
See, this is where you still owning a Sega comes in handy. I really wanted to take Adams in the second round, but for the love of God, could not remember his first name. I was thinking it was Scott or George or Beyonce or something like that. Silly me.

16. Bobby Phills, SG/SF - The only Hornet to ever have his number retired. He was a tough, hard-nosed, athletic wing player. Would fit in nicely in my Horn/cat team put on Earth solely to crush your sissy-Dell-Curry-led team. RIP, big guy.

Nacho:
Here's the part where I say something over-the-line about the dead guy, but I don't have it in me. I didn't follow Phills and only really knew him from the accident, but if Brethren says he's Aces, that's good enough for me.



17. Mike Gminksi, PF - What a great name, what a great beard. The G-Man adds the tough, interior depth I'm looking for. He looked fantastic in those white home unis too. Mmmmm.

Nacho:
I can't speak ill of a man with that face mane. Funny story, back in December of last year I was picking out some cigars for my dad at the Tinder Box in Southpark Mall. I turned around whilst waiting in line and notice Big Mike Giminski has his own humidor/locker thingy. Instant smile fuel.

18. Ray Felton, PG - Wanted to take Matt Carroll here due to his ability to tell Morrison where all the great restaurants in Flagstaff and other NBDL team cities, but, despite his magical performance against the Lakers this past season, I've gotta hand it to Ray Ray. I applaud Bob Johnson's long-term idea of drafting local boys until they develop, and Ray Ray's done a helluva better job progressing than Seanny May. In his defense, May's been injured a lot more, so maybe he's got a growing problem, and not a going problem.

Brethren:
I wasn't as on board with the whole "pick lots of Carolina players, hopefully these Charlotte people won't notice it says Bobcats on the jersey, not North Carolina," but I'm coming around to RayRay. But I still hate Sean May.

19. Kelly Tripucka, SG - The last professional athlete to open display chest hair the way it was meant to be. I like to believe there are certain restaurants like Sonny's and Original House of Pancakes that still keep a table available for Kelly should he deem the public lucky enough to be graced by his presence. I hear his touch heals lepers.

Brethren:
Screw you. I had Tripucka targeted with the 20th pick. I even made it to the playoffs of my fantasy basketball league with my team this year named "Kelly Tripucka." He belongs on my Horn/cat squad.

20. Rex Chapman, SG - The stud from Kentucky. Like Nacho, he started to prematurely bald. Unlike Nacho, his shot was nice and actually had arc. That's enough to be my sharp-shooter off the bench.

Nacho:
If I had to pass on one underachiever, I'm glad it was Rex. When I word associate with Rex Chapman, I think Danny Manning. After the 80s, pretty much obsolete.

21. Jeff McInnis, PG - The Charlotte native. I'm not gonna lie, I'm taking him as my backup point guard because about seven years ago, my buddy Big Mike and I assigned pro basketball players and their skill sets to each of our friends on the court. Big Mike deemed me to be the Jeff McInnis of our rec league teams: ball handling, vision, midrange jumper. I am just as proud today as I was back then.

Nacho:
I'm pretty sure you've made this person up.

22. Anthony Mason, PF - The steal of the draft at 22nd! Huzzah! I've often been known to posit the theory that Julius Peppers is a government experiment that succeeded beyond any of the Scientists wildest dreams, so the only logical place to release him into the general population was as a pro football players...and, well, I just feel like maybe Anthony Mason was one of the older, perhaps-not-quite-ready versions.

Brethren:
Underachievers? You wanna talk about underachievers? Mason was great at what? Having a huge ass? Thinking he was a good ball handler? What am I missing here?

23. Johnny Newman, SF - I needed a swingman, and this guy's name over the PA system at the Coliseum sounded just so sweet. What grown man goes by Johnny? Pro athletes are mythical heroes to kids, and they need mythical names. Like Johnny.

Brethren:
Excellent points. I have no retort. Except for this...

24. Jamal Mashburn, SF - Boom. You wanna talk about steals of the draft? His turnaround/fadeaway jumper was unstoppable those last few years the Hornets were in Charlotte. He was a great scorer and was sufficiently goofy-looking. I also like that he got drafted at his jersey number.

Nacho:
I gotta hand it to ya: Jamal Mashburn is one goofy looking muthafucka.

25. Vlade Divac - As my 12th man, I can see Vlade doing a lot of great things with the enthusiastic towel wave, the high fives, the strange close relationships he develops with my black stars. Yea, he might be a flopper, but he's a good passing big man and he was a starter on those Baron/Mashburn teams. He's everything I want in my 12th man.

Nacho:
Traitor. I thought there was a gentleman's agreement we wouldn't involve the man who came to us via a trade for a Person That Shall Not Be Named. I enjoyed having Vlade in the prime of his career and look forward to his eventual run at the governship of California.

26. Kurt FUCKIN' Rambis - God you have no idea how hard it was for me to keep that one inside!!! I was hoping you'd forget the mustachioed/bespectacled wonder, and you did. He's gonna be my Ace up my sleeve. Your ass is RambASS! BWHAHAHAHA!

Brethren:
I didn't forget. I just was in the mood for a bearded Yugoslavikian for my 12th man. Neither of us took a bad 12th man.

The Final Sports Brethren Rosters look like this:

Curries - owned by Nacho
Starting Five
C - Robert Parish
PF - Larry Johnson
SF- Adam Morrison
SG - Dell Curry
PG - Muggsy Bogues

Bench Players
George Zidek, C
Michael Adams, PG/SG
Ray Felton, PG
Kelly Tripucka, SG
Anthony Mason, PF
Johnny Newman, SF
Kurt Fuckin' Rambis, PF
Dave Cowens, Coach

Horn/cats -- owned by Brethren
Starting Five
C - Alonzo Mourning
PF - Walter Hermann
SF - Gerald Wallace
SG - Glen Rice
PG - Baron Davis

Bench Players

Emeka Okafor, PF/C
Bobby Phills, SF/SG
Mike Gminksi, PF
Rex Chapman, SG
Jeff McInnis, PG
Jamal Mashburn, SF
Vlade Divac, C
Paul Silas, Coach

So there it is. Our fantasy Pro Carolina Hoops Draft. We're gonna figure out whose team would beat whom's and we'll let you know. Please Feel free to ridicule our picks and point out the glaring mistakes we made in the comments section. I still have the utmost confidence the Horn/cats will take down Nacho's Curries, but what do any of us really know?
The Jump

The Ulimate Carolina Pro Hoops Draft

To quote Socrates, or was it C&C Music Factory?:

y'all want this party started, right?/Y'all want this party started, quickly?

It's the definitive North Carolina Pro Basktball Draft, wherein we both must test our mental fortitude and draft the players we'd use to create the ultimate team, comprised entirely of Charlotte Hornets and Bobcats. Then, maybe through whatifsports.com or sportsreference.com or through fan voting, we decide which team would win on the court.

The Stipulations:

1. The players had to play at least one season with the Horn/cats. No picking Kobe just b/c on draft day, he was taken by the Hornets.
2. You're only getting the player for the skill set he had/acquired when he was playing with the Horn/cats. For instance, if you take Zo, you're taking flat-top Zo, not bald, kidney-disease-fighting Zo. Interestingly, if you take Glen Rice, you're getting bald Glen Rice, not flat-top Glen Rice.
3. You absolutely CANNOT refer to espn.com, sportsreference.com, google, wikipedia, anything to do any research. We are purely picking here on memory.
4. You get a 12 man roster, plus one coach.
5. Draft order is typical fantasy draft order (A gets 1, B gets 2,3, A gets 4,5, etc)
6. Draft pick justification and insulting/trash talking is a must.

Nacho Friendly, through seniority, will go first. In the first round, we are selecting a starting five plus coach. In the following rounds, we'll get to the all-important bench players,

1. Dell Curry, SG - The only thing more consistent in my life than Dell Curry's shot was my inability to land a girlfriend throughout most of my formative years. He was the consumate professional who might not find the rock in his hands as time ticked down, but was usually the reason the game was close at all. I defy anyone to find another draft where Dell freakin' Curry is taken number one.

Brethren:
Since this Ultimate Carolina Pro Hoops Draft was my idea, I'm borderline enraged/insulted that a bench player was taken first. Are you not taking this seriously, Nacho? I will now create the most amazingly amazing Horn/cat team put on the Earth solely to crush your sissy-Dell-Curry-led team. (Dell, if you're reading this, no offense. Please continue with your development of teaching RayRay to shoot.)


2. Baron Davis, PG - I'm getting two picks here, so really the order isn't so important. But you don't believe that and neither do I. So I took Baron with the number 2 overall pick for one reason: its symbology. Growing up, I was never what one would call big. But I understood the nuances of the game and the vision of a good point guard. I never understood why teams were fascinated with big men when the true leader on a court is the PG. I really couldn't stand it when some big kid tried to play the point. Assholes. Anyway, LeBaron had all the tools whilst with the Hornets to lead my Horn/cat team to dominate Nacho's. He also had the sickest dunk I have ever personally seen, in the playoffs against The Alien Sam Cassell's Bucks, when he came across the lane and finished with authority in what I believe was the last Hornets home playoff victory before George Shinn took them away. Asshole.

Nacho:
Fair enough, but the thing about Baron is that he didn't really come into his own, beard-wise, until he moved on. It took the turmoil and anger of his Hornet experience to realize that what Baron Davis needed to do was unleash the Neck Beard. Before that, while he was with Charlotte, he kept things in line. Short, simple, goatee'd. My love for Baron stems from his beard, and I just can't support the pansy-assed facial hair he sported in the South.



3. Alonzo Mourning, C - Ok, so I need a big guy for LeBaron to feed the rock to. Lots to choose from here, I'll take Zo. And I'm ok with flat-top Zo, even though he wasn't a world champion at this point in his career. He had the sick white wristbands that he incorporated into his free throw shot, which I'm pretty sure 45% of kids in Charlotte started doing at the Harris Y during rec league games. He also had the only game-winning playoff shot (versus Boston) when I was in second grade. I was clearly the bigger Hornets fan growing up, yet for some reason Nacho got to go to the game. Asshole.

Nacho:
Seeing that game-winner in person was totally worth the two hours it took to leave the godforsaken parking lot. Unfortunately I also witnessed the next several years of watching Zo try to prove he could dribble and missing every other big-time shot we needed him to make. So far, my team of Dell Curry is still better than yours.

4. Muggsy Bogues, PG - How can you sit there in your smug Upper East Side apartment and talk about point guards being leaders and not be talking about Muggsy Bogues? You say you were never big growing up? Boo-effing-hoo! The candy bars Muggsy would pass out at Halloween in Providence Plantation were bigger than him, and he was paid millions to play in the NBA! How Baron can possible compare, I'll never know.

Brethren:
Aw, how adorable. Sticking up for the little guy. You're looking at this as a nostalgic project, whereas I'm looking to kick ass and take names later. Even a non-bearded -- yet still headband-wearing -- LeBaron would dominate Muggsy in every sense of the word. Physically, athletically, mentally. How far did Muggsy take us in the playoffs? I'm pretty sure it wasn't as far as the ECSF (Eastern Conference Semifinals!) like LeBaron did.

5. Grandmama, PF - This was bar-none my hardest pick. I knew I wanted a big man and I was staring down the barrel of Vlade, LJ, and Anthony Mason. Vlade was part of the Kobe trade, which means he's out. Mason lost it by a nose to Larry Johnson because his head-carving ability wasn't quite as intimidating Larry's appearance on Family Matters Also, he won Rookie of the Year.

Brethren:
I could have called these two picks in my sleep. In fact, I did. Grandmama was great advertising, btdubs.

6. Glen Rice, SG - Even without the flat-top, GRice was the deadliest wing scorer in Horn/cat franchise history. The number he did on that third quarter in the All-Star game still hasn't been topped. He also spawned the greatest AIM screenname our of childhood, created by Big Mike Owens: GRiceFan41. The very core of my essence is encapsulated in that screenname.

Nacho:
Dell looked better in pinstripes.

7. Gerald Wallace, SF - Not only do I have the deadliest scorer, I now have the top shut-down defender in Horn/cat history. Who's gonna stop GRice now? Beyond that, G Force is easily worthy of the number seven pick. Our new $57 Milion man is everything I want in my team: hustle, defense, athleticism, great awkward facial hair. This isn't even fair anymore.

Nacho:
I think we might have another Rex Chapman on our hands with Wallace, but I do support his new contract and look forward to his extended play.

8. Robert Parrish, C - Sure we got him after all those championship, but just having his scowl upped our intimidation factor by twelve.

Brethren:
Ah, the Chief. I can't talk bad about the Chief.

9. Adam Morrison, SF - He might end up the biggest star in the NBDL, but that'll only make my Bobblehead that much more of a collector's item.
,the Great Mustachio
Brethren-
The Great Mustachio to round out your starting five? Yea, your team honestly has no chance at beating mine.

10. Walter Hermann, PF - I literally started to pick PJ Brown and was gonna write about how goofy looking he was, how goofy looking his shot was, how he hustled and rebounded, yada yada yada. But I can't pass up Fabio. The big Argentin rounds out my starting five very well, bringing his rebounding, hustle, and toughness to my squad. I think I have a man-crush on myself for the way I'm constructing my team.

Nacho:
I'd have to be one cold-hearted bastard to talk bad about a guy whose been through hell already.

11. Paul Silas, coach - A player's coach thru and thru. Should be the career wins leader if I'm not mistaken. Overall good guy. I like him as my general.

Nacho:
I'm trying to remember how they did under Silas, which proves how forgettable his tenure must've been.

12. Dave Cowens, coach - Doable daughters? Kicked Bryan Adrian's butt?

That concludes our first round. Hopefully tomorrow, we'll get to the all-important role players in the second round and this is when the personalities of the teams will really get going.

- Nacho Friendly and Brethren

The Jump

Great Brothers In Sports History

Romulus & Remus kickboxing for some sweet, sweet Wolfmother teat.

Tommy & Timmy Timmons, backing up Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez.

and now, us.

We're two brothers, born and raised in the North Kakkalak, one now representing Manhattan, the other Hollywood, and we're here to bring a little light into your lives.

Currently we're around a 312-303 lifetime record against one another in all manner of sport involving yards, driveways, swimming pools, beaches and/or beer battleship.


I'm Nacho. I'm older & I've got the lead due to some Spurrier-esque behavior when he was a toddler. In fairness, my record mirrors the National League All-stars' this past decade pretty closely.

We enjoy talking about sports and entertainment and such, and we just felt we were being rude not letting you in on it. It's a world that is bursting with petty sibling quibbles, wanton misinformation, and complete homerism for our favorite teams. Occassionally, we'll be really funny.

So there it is: two guys who wish SportsNight never got canceled. Brothers who still get choked up when Ray realizes Doc can't go back to being Moonlight. Southern boys who can't bear to read about effing hockey!!! in a Panthers preview.

A sports blog/correspondence, written by cross-country brethren. Just what the world needs.


-- Nacho Friendly & Brethren

The Jump